Hard Day

On December 27, 2012 I walked into my first ever Weight Watchers meeting.  I was determined to make a change in my life.  I was determined to being healthier.  WW helps me be mindful of what I eat and makes me think before I mindlessly consume food.   I have a long-standing issue with food consumption.  I also joined the Upper Valley Aquatic Center.  I started waking up every morning at 5am and going to the pool.  I started eating more fruits and vegetables.  The next week I went to a meeting, and the next week, and the next week.

Now it is 10 weeks later and I feel better.  I can feel the difference everyday.  My energy level is higher.  All of the little aches and pains that were starting to creep up have gone away.  I am sleeping better.  I feel better about myself - more confident and more alive.  I have also lost 38 pounds.

I was feeling good about myself and the progress I had made.   I felt like I was learning new routines and new habits.  I felt like I was changing my lifestyle.

Today I feel like I was derailed.  Today I walked into the doctor's office and was told that I had diabetes.  My doctor is being proactive.  I am barely over line.  This is a preemptive measure designed to help me take care of myself.  I understand this.

I also understand that I am already doing the things that will keep my sugar in control and will help me manage this.  I am already exercising and eating better.  I have already reduced my alcohol intake.  I have already reduced my processed sugars and my salt.  I am already taking care of my blood pressure.

Knowing this doesn't help me feel better.  I feel deeply sad.  I feel as though I am a failure.  Today I got home and read all the material that they gave me.  I knew all the information because I have watched my stepfather deteriorate.  I know what diabetes does when it isn't managed.  I will take care of myself and keep doing what I am doing.  I will tomorrow.

But tonight...tonight I feel sad and I feel grief.  Today was a hard day.

Tomorrow is a new beginning.