Inspiration

I am inspired by Sarah, the daughter of one of my good friends.  Sarah is in 6th grade and is playing on the football team.  I am inspired by a young woman that embraces her strength and is willing to follow an unconventional path.  The teen years can be challenging, other kids can be mean, and it isn't easy to make your own choices.  I am inspired by anyone that can at any age, but particularly at a young age.

I am also deeply pleased by how the coaches treated her.  From where I was sitting they treated her as an equal member of the team.  She isn't as skilled as other members but she is paying attention, she's playing, and when she was in the game she was solid as a rock on defense.  Sarah did not let those other players get by her.

I am also deeply inspired by my Sarah's mom, TC. Her complete support of her daughter and her clear love for her is evident in everything she does.  TC doesn't realize it but she is one of the most incredible mothers. Her children never have to wonder whether their mother loves them.  They have clear boundaries and expectations.  She is their advocate, their ally, their cheerleader, their teacher, their counselor... She is perfectly imperfect and an awe-inspiring mom.

Sarah and her mother both inspire me.

Reunited....

and it feels so good... Ah, don't we all love a little Peaches & Herb...

Last night Karaoke & I reunited.  We hit a rough patch in our relationship.  It was bound to happen.  We had three solid years of bliss.  Every week we would meet up and we would enjoy each other's company.  I talked about it all the time and it was always on my mind.  Every Thursday, people knew that I would be involved in a meaningful relationship with a microphone and music.  I made lists of songs.  I made lists of songs for other people. 

I should have seen the moment of separation coming.  It was clearly marked.  All the signposts were there.  Haven't we all been in those relationships before?  They are so perfect and so important that we ignore the warning signs.  The last few months it just hadn't felt the same.  So many people had left the table.  LS, MdS, JH, TC...  Then the regulars from the Cave started to leave, Martin, Pierre, Koozy Man, etc...Then Cher was no longer KJ.  So much change.  It wasn't the same.  I still loved Karaoke...but we had started to grow apart.

It wasn't the experience that I had fallen in love with.  So of course, I pulled away.  I started making excuses not to be available on Thursday nights.  I stopped making lists. I was indecisive about what to sing and could tell I was only half-heartedly engaged.  Something had to be done.  I needed to either break up with Karaoke or I needed to find another way to reconnect.  I didn't want to lose this relationship  between me and the music...I wanted to find a way to make it work.

So I recruited new people to come to sing.  I found new things to love.  I have been working on getting to know the experience all over again.  And last night....success.  Karaoke was fantastic.  It was fun.  It was satisfying.  It left me energized.

Was it the same experience as before?  No.  But that is okay....we change, we grow, we evolve and that is true for all relationships.  It is worth the effort when it is something we love.  So, last night, karaoke and I reunited.  It was a blast.  There were new faces around the table and new songs and a guitar.  Thanks DS, JP, AC for an awesome evening.

Let's raise a glass to many more years of Karaoke fun!

Josiah, Amanda & I at karaoke!  Building a new karaoke adventure.  Picture taken by Dan!

Moving

I have moved out of my apartment.  Moving takes a long time.  It is exhausting.  It is tedious.  It made my body feel sore.  It never seems to end....

That said...Here are some of the things I have really enjoyed about the moving process.

1. The opportunity to sort and purge.  I was able to go through all my old documents and pictures and boxes and all kinds of stuff.  I got to throw things away that needed to get thrown out.  I also got the chance to reflect and think about the last few years.  It is amazing how much stuff can accumulate in the secret corners of your apartment.  
2. Good people that help you move! I am lucky enough to call some young recent alums friend and They help me move.  Their energy and good humor remind me that I am 10 years older than them.  haha.  I am so very thankful for the help of AV, MA, AB, CN & GC.   JC brought me home after I dropped off the Uhaul.  BFF started and ended the day.  He took me to pick up the uhaul and he came to help me finish the final cleaning push as I was running out of steam.  
3. Anticipation.  The anticipation and excitement of a new place to live is very exciting.  Figuring out how everything will fit and what it will look like is exciting.  

I'm in a temporary holding pattern for the moment until my apartment is ready. I'm looking forward to having people over for a dinner or game night. 

Birthday Karaoke!

Greatest birthday night ever.  I had so much fun.  I laughed so much.  I have incredible friends.  I am so happy.  It was a perfect way to kick off my birthday!

Love

There are people that love us completely.  They even love the ugly and dark bits.  I am lucky to have some of those people in my life.  They make my life brighter and better and help light the dark times so they are fewer and farther apart.  I am blessed every day to have them in my life.  THANK YOU BFF, LM, JF, Dr. J, TC, DN)

Old Friends

My second trip down memory lane of the day was brought to me by gchat.

A friend of mine from high school DW found me today on google.  He and I have been friends for about 20 years.  We were an unlikely pair in high school.  People often wondered why were we friends.  He had a reputation for being kind of cold, aloof and generally unpleasant, whereas, I was generally viewed as joyful, pleasant and kind.  People had both of us a little bit wrong.  Regardless of other people's opinions we were very close friends and remain close today, even though we don't talk often.

It was great to catch up with him today. We have both had a lot of changes in our lives lately.  This year for the first year ever, I missed his birthday.  I apologized but he did point out that when we were younger he forgot my birthday all the time and we saw each other everyday and lived less than 1/2 a mile away from each.  VERY TRUE.  So I feel less guilty about missing the birthday.

It was great to chat with him.  I didn't realize that I missed some of the connection to who I was when I was younger until today.   I don't want to be the girl I was at 16.  I don't want to repeat that time in my life.  Yet, there is something special about connecting to people who knew you back when.  People that remember ridiculous stories.  People that remember where you came from and how you got to where you are today.

I don't have a lot of people that I call FRIENDS from high school or college.  Those that fall in the category tend to be people that despite days, months, years of lack of conversation we can pick up where we left off without an issue.  They know my family and I know theirs.

Thanks gchat - for connecting me to people that know me and love me.

Happy Birthday JH!

Today is my dear friend JH's birthday.  I don't think he reads this but regardless it is a reason to celebrate. 

Reasons I like JH:

1. He always tries to find the positive in every situation. 
2. He is one of the most hard-working people I know. 
3. He has depth that many people do not get to see.
4. He only eats beige foods. 
5. He has clear boundaries. 
6. He is generous and caring. 
7. He loves to work with students.
8. He is super funny. 
9. He makes "that's what s/he said" jokes all the time. 
10. He comes to karaoke.

Happy Birthday JH!  You Rock!

Saturday Sales

SI & drove down to Tilton Outlet Centers today and had a great time enjoying the sales.  I haven't purchased anything for myself in a long time.  Today was the day.  I needed some jeans.

Turns out that the Coach Outlet Store was having a huge sale.  I LOVE purses and wallets and other accessories.  I like scarves and shoes and other accoutrements.  I normally can't afford anything at the Coach store.  Today though...today...there was a HUGE sale.  Everything was a reduced price.  Then there was an additional 30% off everything in the store.  Then the clearance items were 50% off, plus the additional 30%.   So I bought a little clutch wallet thing.  Cost me $23!  Woo-hoo

Then SI and I travelled over to Lane Bryant and I got lots of new items for the winter-spring transition, including a hot pink trench rain coat.  I like it a lot.

yay to sales and outlet stores.  Yay to a great day with a friend.

I am proud!

My friends are doing such great things... I am so proud of their accomplishments.

JF just became a full professor

TC just completed her ADD coaching certificate

JP completed her dissertation and is now Dr. JP.

Bossman is making significant progress on his dissertation and will be Dr. Bossman very soon!

I am so glad to have such great friends.

Making plans

In two weeks (Feb 4-6) I will be in Boston to see my two favorite Lauras!  yay!

I am very excited about having plans and for getting a chance to see my friends.  It also happens to be the weekend of an LI meeting for SLTP.

It is going to be a great weekend of great people.  I'm excited for future plans...

Reunions

Over the last year MANY people have left the college that I work at and have gone onto to new experiences in their lives.  While I have been VERY happy for them, I have been selfishly sad for the loss of them in my daily life.

Over the break, I got to see MF & MdSM.  They were back in the area visiting family for the holidays and SI and I drove down to southern New Hampshire to meet them.  It was really lovely to see them.  I miss M so much.

In honor of these dear friends....here is the Golden Girls Theme song.

Starting fresh...

The thing that I didn't anticipate in writing this blog is that I was inviting people into my life in a very real way.  I haven't been writing much lately.  Have I been busy? Sure.  I haven't been busy enough that I can't write.

I've been struggling.  I have been having an epic battle between my brain and my heart.  I don't know how to clearly explain what that means.  All I can say is that I sometimes feel things deeply.  I know them in my core but I can't explain why I feel the way that I do. Often, these feelings are in contrast to what my head tells me is the best course of action.  Or in conflict with what my head says is the "rational" thing to do.  It is the moment when the thing that my brain or people around me are telling me is the best course of action is the very thing that makes me feel bad or sick to stomach or just a little bit not right.  It isn't easy to listen to my heart over my brain.  Or to find the balance between brain and heart.

Sometimes I momentarily misplace my internal compass and I am left struggling to find my way back to myself.  Sometimes these life detours are brief.  Like this one.  They last for a few days or a couple of weeks.  Sometimes they are longer - a month or two or more.  Longer ones can often be dark times for me.  All this to say that usually when it happens, people may notice that my demeanor has changed slightly or I don't laugh quite as quickly but I am able to fake it pretty well (except from Dr. J or my BFF who can see right through any facade).  Well with this blog, people have noticed that I haven't been writing as much and that has led them to be concerned and ask me if I am okay, etc.

This realization that people are "following" me and are involved in my life in any way remotely is strange.  I write the blog for myself but sharing myself in public is not something I do.  I think most people would describe me as outgoing, bubbly, etc... I can certainly be gregarious and loud and boisterous... Yet, it is work for me.  I love a good laugh.  I can engage as needed.  I wouldn't label myself an extrovert though.  Sharing myself is hard work.  Social settings can be draining for me, especially if I'm not hiding behind a mask.  So the public nature of this blog, the fact that people know when I am and am not posting is daunting.  It is an important step for me.

Dr. J recently wrote a "wednesday visit" about asking for help.  This is a skill that has always been a challenge for me.  It starts with being able to share yourself in even the smallest ways with those around you.  It starts with being genuine in our interactions.  So this blog for me is part of the process of me sharing myself with the world and most importantly sharing myself with myself.  That sounds crazy but when I stop fooling myself then I am able to connect with the world more fully. 

So, to anyone that is reading this that has asked me how I am...I have been struggling but I can see things clearer again.  I have found the arrow on my heart-compass and it is pointing due north again.  Every day is a fresh start and another chance to live better than the day before.

Thank you to my dear friends.  Thank you to all that have asked how I am doing and waited long enough to hear the real answer.  Thank you BFF.  

I am lucky indeed.

BABIES!

Friends having babies! 

yay!

I can't say anything else but I am so happy for my friend.  Yay!

Friends w/ Triple A

I have awful car issues.  I am not sure what happened but in the last year cars just don't seem to last when they are around me.  My BFF is out of town and I have his car.  This morning I go outside and the damn car is dead - D-E-A-D. 

I freak out.

The car worked this weekend.  It drove beautifully.  It was so nice and smooth and wonderful.  Then DEAD! WTF?!?

Once I got past the freak out, I walked to work to deal with it later.  I am lucky to have people in my life that are willing to help.  JC came to help me try and push the car out of the garage to jump start it but the car wouldn't move into neutral.  Apparently, newer cars won't allow you to switch to neutral when the battery is dead.  Who knew? Not me. 

Now what?  Well she called Triple A and  had someone come out.  Her and her husband waited for over an hour with me until they came and started the car.  It was the battery. 

I am blessed to have wonderful friends. 

I also need to get my own Triple A membership.

Being heard

Today I was heard.  I spoke and someone that cared about me listened.  They listened.  They asked.  They stayed long enough to hear the full answer.  Today I trusted long enough to say my piece and to try and be understood.  Today a friend showed me how very much he cares by taking the time to ask the important questions.

Today was a good day.

It is only 8:28am....

and here are the great things about today so far.

1. It is rainy outside.  Doesn't sound great.  But I like the rain.  
2. Yellow - I am wearing yellow.  First, I look pretty nice in yellow.  More importantly, it makes me feel nice.  yay to yellow!
3. Chobani Greek Yogurt - delicious, raspberry-flavored.  Um...yum!
4. exercise - day 2 of waking up and exercising.  It always makes me feel better during the day but sometimes I just want to stay curled up in my bed.
5. Hilarious phone message from my long-time friend DRN.  He and I have been friends for what seems like 4-evah, since our first year of college in the "new dorms" of East Wheelock.  (note: this makes us very old because EW is no longer new)
6. The songs "teenage dreams" and "Forget you" sung by the cast of Glee - Is it wrong that I like them more than the originals.  
7. Ceiling fans - when it is too cold to open the window but too dang hot in the office, the ceiling fan regulates the temperature
8. Seeing my BFF first thing in the morning.  I usually see him at least once a day - but rarely is he the first person I see.  It adds a special joy to the day when the first person you see is someone you love so dearly and loves you.  yay to friendship.

And now it is 8:35am.  I have had my yogurt and cup of coffee and it is time to get down to business.  

I'm hosting

Thanksgiving this year!  yay!

I got the phone call from my mom this morning confirming that the family is on their way up to Hanover for Thanksgiving deliciousness.

I am not sure why I am excited about this, but for some reason it makes me happy.  I wonder if i will feel the same after they have been here.  The other funny thing about this is that I can't actually host ANYONE at my own house, I mean I can barely fit 4 people in my apartment, so I am hosting Thanksgiving at my BFF's house.  He's won't be here and he has such a lovely kitchen.

woo-hoo for thanksgiving & a generous friend with a lovely home.

Home-Coming

This weekend is homecoming weekend here at Dartmouth.  It is a big deal around here.  A giant wooden bonfire is built in the center of the green and then burnt down as the first-year class runs around it.  It is very Lord of the Flies.  All sorts of alums come back to campus for this weekend.  For some alums it is a tradition that they share with their children.  They watch this fire burn and go to the football game and return to this campus and feel as though they have come home.

This is a strange weekend for me because as an alum the expectation would be that I am enthralled with this tradition and that I am eager and excited to see people that I haven't seen in over 10 years and didn't care all that much about.  Or that I am eager to come "home" to Dartmouth.  It was never true for me.  When I left, I never felt this gravitational pull to return to my alma mater.  In fact, it is still a strange experience for me that I am back here at all.

Working here, this weekend is chaos and hard work.  Our office is responsible for building the giant wooden structure and getting the students organized.  This weekend is also full of worry because sometimes students do stupid things and get into trouble.  There is so much hoopla happening that I worry on big weekends.

What is nice though is that my former students come back and I get to see them.  Our office hosts an alumni reception during this time where we invite our old students back to say hello and catch-up.  I was able to see some of my favorite students.  Students that are doing amazing things with their lives and that are working hard on discovering who they are outside of college and finding their place in this great big world.  They give some of the best hugs and are beautiful reminders of why this work is so important.  These are students that I worked with for years as they navigated through the many land-mines of young adulthood and the craziness of college.  They are wonderful.

All this homecoming discussion has made me think about home and where I feel at home.  It is strange that I actually call the Upper Valley home these days and I don't mean it ironically.  I feel at home here.  I have moved around so much in my life that I don't know if location actually has anything to do with home.  I am at home here because I have been lucky enough to find people that I love and that care about me.  This place is quickly filling with good memories that are replacing the negative ones from my days as a student.  Working here at Dartmouth has allowed me to heal the person I was and find home.

I also have come to realize that I carry home around with me.  Home is curled up with a glass of wine with my BFF.  Home is my mom and my niece and the laughter.   Home is SLTP and the Collis Center.  Home is the satisfaction of a job well done.  Home is karaoke and table one.  Home is all of the joy, laughter, hope, tears and pain of life and a life well-lived. 

Warm Fuzzies...

Yesterday was a wonderful day of warm fuzzies...

I received an incredible email from a former student.  She has been having some challenges and we spent some time on the phone discussing them.  She sent me a beautiful email.  She said:

I just wanted to thank you again for being in my life and for looking out for me.


There are so many people in my own life that do this for me.  It is lovely and humbling to know that I have an impact on someone else's life.  It is also a bit hard for me to manage.  I get uncomfortable and squirrelly with compliments and thanks.  Yet another thing I am working on being better about.  I am thankful that I can be a part of her life and that she allows me to be a piece of her world.  I feel eternally grateful for my students and the small role I get to play in their lives and the amazing lessons they teach me.

I got to see another SLTP friend.  We had coffee.  We laughed.  We talked.  We cared for each other.  It was another reminder of the amazing connections and heart-lines that are in my life.  These moments of meaningful connections.  Times when we reach out to the people that matter to us and connect.  In those moments are past shared experiences and future anticipated moments and the very precious present.  Sometimes I am amazed at the number of people in my life that I see rarely and yet are so deeply connected to my life and who I am so genuinely happy to see.  These people fill me with love and joy.

Last night I arrived home and checked my mail.  In my mailbox was an envelope from the lovely SH and inside it was full of SLTP-style WARM FUZZIES!  Thank you for the heart-touch.

We do...

...love you in case you were wondering.

Those were the parting words of my wonderful visitors yesterday.  Dr. J has known me since I was 13 years old.  I was a sad and teased child that worked hard to keep the laughter on my face.  He saw me clearly then and it was one of the first times that someone outside of family cared enough to really ask how I was and to listen to the answer - or to look beyond the surface and see more depth.  Dr. J and the three lovely ladies that came up with him are such incredible lights.  They give awesome hugs.  They are hysterically hilarious.  They share themselves unselfishly.  I am lucky to have them in my life.

I forget sometimes, as Dr. J knows, that people love me.  I think everyone does.  It is easy to think that we are all alone in this world and that no one cares enough to see us clearly.  It isn't true.  Most days I know that I am loved and that I am lucky to have the people in my life that I have.  I have people that fill my heart with joy and help make each day better.  People that care about the world around them and that work tirelessly to make a difference in millions of small ways.  I have people that give the best hugs.  People that call at the right moment as though they heard my heart calling to them.  People that stop and listen to the full answer when they ask "how are you".

I know all of this....sometimes, though, I need to be reminded. Sometimes it is nice to hear the words.

Thank you my lovely friends for reminding me in hundreds of ways that I am loved.  I love you too.