Early morning stillness

Last night it started to snow.  Unlike lots of places in the country, we haven't gotten that much snow this winter...at least not yet.  We are supposed to get 5-10 inches over the course of the day, so I'll have some shoveling to do later. 

There is special quiet that happens in the early morning when the newly fallen snow is on the ground.  The snow acts almost like soundproofing.  Everything is just a bit softer and a bit stiller.  This morning when I took Sally out for her morning constitutional I was struck by the pre-dawn light and the incredible stillness. 

There is something so beautiful about that moment before the entire world comes alive; before that moment when it feels like you are the only person awake in the whole world. I love the morning for that reason.  It feels like a fresh start and a new beginning.  It feels like I can take a breath and actually pause before the go,go,go of the day begins. 

I'm in Redbook Magazine

In one of those strange twists of life, I was asked to interview with Redbook magazine about my weight loss last year.  The trainer at the Upper Valley Aquatic Center gave them my name because they were looking for someone that had lost weight by swimming or other water-based exercise.  I was hesitant but I figured what the hell, right?  I had worked hard to become a healthier human being.  So I did the interview.  I had no idea what was going to come from it.  I didn't really know what the angle of the article was and after the interview I was excited but VERY nervous about it.

The article came out in the January issue and indeed my little piece was in there.  A friend got the issue and showed me the article. Instead of being excited about it or celebrating it, I was mortified because they printed my starting weight.  I scoured the other 9 stories looking for the weights of the other women profiled. Mine was the only number printed.  I didn't want anyone to read it because I didn't want anyone to see that starting number. 

A colleague stopped me after we returned to work in the New Year and told me she had seen my name in the magazine.  In reflection, her voice was kind and full of nothing but positivity.  She congratulated me on my weight loss and commented that she had notice but was never sure if one could comment.  I smiled and nodded and thanked her but realized as I left her office that I felt exposed and vulnerable.  I felt sure that she was secretly judging me. 

I guess this post goes along with my post about my gray hair.  I am always shocked by how deep the shame lives when it comes to my body.  I am always surprised at the moments when guilt, shame, and self-loathing wash over me.  I don't remember the interview but I do remember saying that being healthy for me required me to change my internal narrative.  My physical health changed when my mental health changed.  When I started to focus on how I wanted to feel and the things that I wanted to do. 

And I'm able to do many of those things now...I can climb stairs without feeling like my heart is going to explode.  I don't dread meetings across campus because of the walk - in fact, I intentionally schedule meetings in other people's offices in order to be outside.  I can swim laps easily.  I can take a zumba class and enjoy the movement.  I can touch my toes.  My blood pressure is in the normal range.  My sugar level has gone down to normal range.  I feel better. 

I have a long history with weight and I am always worried about telling my story or discussing weight loss because I don't want young women or men to look at a number on the scale and define themselves by it.  We are so much more than that.  Ironically, it wasn't until I really started to believe that I was more than my weight and was a full person, that I started to lose the weight.  I have made lifestyle changes that make me feel better but I don't deprive myself.  I no longer binge.  I'm finding other ways to deal with my emotions (anger, happiness, sadness, loneliness).  I'm investing time in myself. 

The weight loss is the most noticeable change to the outside world but my health is far beyond the number on the scale.  Yet, that number on the scale is part of my story and not a part that should be hidden away or a part that should be shameful.  It is just a part of my story.  It does not define what my life has been or where my life is going and only I can give it that power. 

So here is the story and the number.  I still look at it and it looks like it is bolded and in a larger font but I know that isn't true.  It is simply a number.   I am made up of so much more than pounds on a scale.  I'm torn about posting this, or having my name being associated with a "how to lose weight" article.  I'm not sure how I feel about contributing to the never ending narrative that tells us that we need to be thinner to be happier and healthier.  I don't believe it is as simple as that.  I know it isn't as simple as that. 

One of my goals this year was practicing kindness and that starts with me.  Being kind to myself means fueling my body better, moving my body more, reflecting more on my choices, and accepting the complex story that is my life.  I guess, this long rambling blog posts that ends with the words from Redbook and that 3 digit number is part of that acceptance.  Part of sharing who I am, where I've been, and the journey forward.

 Start by forgiving yourself

"In November 2012, I hit 421 pounds, my heaviest weight ever. I've tried pretty much every fad diet out there: Atkins, the grapefruit diet, pills. But my journey to better health really began when I changed my inner monologue from one that was negative and critical and said You're not worthy to one that said, You can do this; you deserve to be healthy and happy and have love in your life. I've had to forgive myself and be kind to myself in order to move forward—after all, I can't change what happened yesterday, but I can change what happens today and tomorrow. I started by signing up for Weight Watchers and finding a pool I could use for exercise. Now the Upper Valley Aquatic Center is my second home. The water is so relaxing, like a cushion, and I can move without feeling hot or sweaty or straining my joints. I love it—it feels meditative. There's no way to shed the amount of pounds I have to lose and not be confused by the process at times. My weight has been such a part of my identity that losing it can feel overwhelming. Every day I have the opportunity to make choices about my health. Before, my eating and physical habits were thoughtless. Now, I pause and think before I decide to put something in my body or skip a workout. I still have a ways to go, but my goal isn't to be skinny; it's to feel better about myself, and I'm definitely on that path." —Elizabeth Agosto, 34, Hanover, NH; lost 78 pounds and has kept it off for a year

The full article can be found online.

2014 - new year, new goals

I started out making a list of 14 goals for 2014 - that list became a list of 20.  I'm really looking forward to the new year.  I'm not sure why I feel full of joy and hope about this year, but I do feel that way, so I'm going to go with the flow.

My list of 14, errrrh 20, goals is as follows:

See firewater in Providence.  I really want to see this event.  I have for a long time and I've never made the time to see it.  This year is the year.

Continue improving my healthy habits: Last year I lost 80 pounds but more importantly I learned to eat healthier and I exercised more.  I feel better about myself, I have more energy, and I am more engaged.  The goal is to keep it up.  I had a specific weight loss goal on my original list but I don't think that is smart and not really the point.

Apply to graduate school.  It is time for me to finish procrastinating on this and actually finish the applications!

Spend more time in Ogunquit this summer.  I love it.  My BFF has a cottage there.  Why not?

Take better care of my teeth. I hate flossing.  I need to floss.

Read a book every 2 weeks.  Doesn't matter what the book is, I just want to read more.  I used to read all the time, I couldn't get enough of it but I have been very remiss in my reading.  I probably should  make sure I have a current library card.  :)

Research and work towards becoming a Zumba instructor. Specifically, I want to become an Aqua Zumba instructor but that requires me to do the main certification first.

Hang stuff on walls. I have pictures and stuff sitting in a corner and for 7 years they have moved with me from apartment to apartment.  It is time for me to hang them up.

Increase my investment and ownership in SLTP.  This is a program that I love and I want to become more fully involved and find new ways to give to the program and help grow the program.

Go apple and berry picking.  Not necessarily on the same day. I've never been apple picking.

Take a baking class at King Arthur Flour.  I love to bake.  I love to learn.  Why not do both?

Ride a roller coaster.  I haven't been on one since I was in high school.

Go to the Big E.  Anyone from Massachusetts or Connecticut likely knows what this is.  It is a giant country fair - I guess is the best way to describe it.  I used to love it as a kid and I want to go back.

Take a trip to NYC.  I want to meet baby Nico and see my dear friend JF.

Take myself on a date once a month.  Dinner and a movie for one?  yes, please!

Paint the wood furniture.  I have a ton of unfinished wood furniture and I am going to paint or stain it this year.

Buy a bike.  I also hope to ride it but the main goal for 2014 is to simply purchase a bike.

Increase student contact at work.  I like my job but I want more student contact.  I can find ways to do it, I just need to be proactive and intentional.

Read the New York Times on Sundays and attempt the crossword puzzle.  This used to be one of my favorite activities when I lived in NYC.  Generally, the news makes me VERY depressed and so I stopped reading regularly. I want to get back to it so that I can be better informed but also because I like it.  I've never completed a Sunday crossword puzzle but I've got 52 weeks to try.  :)

Practice Kindness.  I generally try to be a very kind person.  I am usually kindest to other people.  So I want to practice being kind to myself.  I want to continue to practice kindness towards others.  I want to be more intentional about the ways that I should my care and compassion to others.  I want to practice random acts of kindness. 

So that's it.  That's the list.  2014 - here I come.


*** Whoops!  I missed one.  There are 21!  The last one is Run in the Electric Run 5K in Boston in October.  My friend AC and I are going to do it together using the Couch to 5K method.  :)

Battling Sadness

I believe that sadness is part of life.  Sometimes we are sad.  Bad things happen.  Hard things happen.  Disappointment happens.  Being sad and hurt and angry are all natural emotions and come with the territory of being human.  That said, my natural inclination is to dwell in that hurt and sadness far longer than I should.  I ruminate on the mistakes I have made.  I blame myself for not predicting what would happen and for not stopping it before it made me or someone else sad.  I worry.  Over the years I have learned ways to keep the overwhelming darkness that can sometimes settle over me at bay.  I have incredible friends that care deeply about me. I have a fulfilling life and work.  I have invested time in things that matter.  All of that has helped but a few years ago, when I first started this blog, I realized the thing that was most useful to me in staying positive and in keeping my face towards the light - it was actively reminding myself of the beautiful little things in my life.  Actively taking time to feel blessed at the daily wonder in my life helped me shift my whole life.  It made a profound difference in how I felt about myself and the world.  Over the last 3 years, I have been able to make significant and important changes to my life.  These changes have been made through very small baby steps and that is what I need to remember.  I need to continue to remind myself that the big things are made up of thousands of little things.

As darkness peeks at the edges of my mind, I find myself again needing to remember the ordinary wonder and awe that is found when we live our lives.  I need to reflect on the daily heroics that come from regular and often unnoticed kindness.  This was the original purpose of this blog.  It was my attempt at being fully present in my own life and of sharing myself with anyone willing to take a moment to read the ramblings in this blog.  

So, yes, sadness and pain and anger and hurt and disappointment and frustration are part of being human.  That is true.  But what is also true is that beauty and love and laughter and joy and awe and wonder and kindness and care and compassion and empathy and hope are also part of being human.   And I believe in in hope and I believe in love and I believe in kindness.  I believe there is more good than bad in the world and  I believe there is more things to be inspired by in the world than there are things to be disappointed in.  We just need to be willing to see them and find them and share them.  It is the only way I know to battle the sadness, escape the darkness, and be fully present in the light of my own life. 

Here we go again...

Regular Days

Tonight I realized that regular days are extraordinary.  There is something so absolute awesome about regular days.

Today was a regular day.  There was nothing "special" about it and yet, there was so much special about it. 

I laughed.  Today I laughed.  I laughed at a lot of things.  Mostly, I laughed at lunch with one of my students and our conversation about suspending belief while watching TV.  I still insist that I am not surprised by the high mortality rate on Grey's Anatomy - those surgeons are so busy talking to each other and looking deeply in each other's eyes that they are not paying attention to where they are cutting. 

I made mistakes.  Today I made a joke in a meeting that ended up being at the expense of a dear friend and colleague.  It wasn't intentional but it upset him and it violated my own expectations around behavior.

I apologized.  Today I admitted I was wrong and I apologized to my friend.  Not only that but I apologized to everyone at the meeting for role modeling behavior that did not meet my standards. 

I napped.  Sat on the couch and fell asleep for an unexpected nap after work. 

I worked.  Today I was productive and got things done. 

I reflected.  I took time today to think about my day, my life and my feelings.  I paused long enough to think.  I don't always give myself permission to do that.

I learned.  That reflection helped me learn something about myself, my work and the people around me.

I loved.  I took care of those around me. 

I thanked.  Today I thanked someone in my life that has made a significant impact on who I am today.  A person that has given me the courage to stand up and to do all of the things I wrote about.

Today was an extraordinarily regular day.

Letting go...

Letting go is not easy for me.  When I invest time, energy and passion into something it is painful for me to let it go.  It is hard for me to admit that I don't have time for it.  It is hard to say that it (or he/she) doesn't belong in my life anymore.  This week was a practice in letting go and accepting. 

This week I had to let go of a program that I helped develop, design and nursed into reality.  I invested blood, sweat and tears into this program - literally.  I almost caused an irreparable rift between me and my BFF because of this program.  Over the course of this year I had to cede direction of the program to a colleague.  This week the program started and I was part of it but I wasn't.  I was an onlooker.  It hurt so bad and I want to kick and scream and cry.  Yet, at the same time...I am so proud of the program.  I want it to thrive regardless of who is directing.  The program should not be dependent on a person.  I had to practice letting it go and being in a different place with it.  I still feel it but I get it, 

Sometimes things no longer fit in our lives.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Sometimes things and people grow together and sometimes they grow apart.  I am perfectly capable of throwing away a shirt that doesn't fit anymore or to get rid of possessions but admitting that people, programs or ideas no longer fit, is much harder.  Letting go of these things also means letting go of who I was when they were in my life.  It means being fully honest with myself and admit that perhaps it isn't those people or things that have changed but instead it is me that has changed.

Resolutions

In January I made two resolutions for 2012: (1) Be Thankful and (2) Be Healthy. The first one was easy.  I work in it weekly and take time regularly to be thankful for the amazing things in my life.  Being Healthy has proven to be more challenging.  I was talking about health in a holistic way.  I was talking about my financial, emotional, spiritual and physical health.  I've made some progress.

Financially I am in the best place I have ever been.  I have an actual savings account and am working on saving a comfortable cushion and enough to put a good chunk of change down on a new car.  I'm still working on budgeting and making sure that I don't spend all my money in the first two weeks of the month leaving me struggling in the last two weeks.  This is a learning process and I was never taught how to manage money, so now that I'm 33, I am finally getting the hang of it. 

Emotionally & Spiritually - eh, well, I'm working on it.  I think that writing in the blog again is part of the process to keep myself connected to my emotional and spiritual health.  I am throwing myself back into SLTP which is always a place the feeds my emotional, spiritual and intellectual side.  I am taking time for myself.  I am allowing myself to have the full range of emotions.  I am working on communicating and being more fearless.  I am taking time to unplug from technology to sit outside, to breath and to be mindful.  These are all baby steps and I don't do them consistently. All of these changes are about trying to build healthier habits. 

Physically I am making slow progress.  I am exercising more regularly.  I renewed my membership at the aquatic center and have been swimming and taking water aerobics.  I also joined Weight Watchers.  I think that WW is really helpful for me in being thoughtful about what I am eating and when.  It gives me a picture and forces me to think about the choices I am making.  Food has always served as a comfort to me, so I eat when I'm sad, when I'm angry, etc.  And I don't eat a little when I feel this way, I eat too much.  That isn't a healthy relationship with food.  So WW is helping me think about my food choices and to start making other decisions when I want to eat emotionally.  So, I have been making a concert effort for 4 weeks.  I notice that I feel different physically and that is important.  The scale reads that I have lost weight and the body measurements show that I have as well, but honestly, that isn't really the point.  I want to feel good. 

So, it has taken 8 months but I have made progress on all of my resolutions.  That makes me proud. 

Why start writing again?

In the last few weeks I have been making small changes to my life.  I was motivated by my two weeks volunteering at SLTP.  That experience this year was exactly what I needed.  By working in a place with people I love, doing work that I love, I was reminded of who I was and what matters to me.  I was reminded that one person can make a difference.  I was reminded that taking care of yourself is not selfishness.  I was reminded that asking for help is not a sign of weakness.  I was reminded that caring deeply, loving fiercely and laughing loudly are things to be celebrated not silenced.  While I was supposed to be teaching the students, I believe I may have learned just as much if not more than they did.

With that experience at my back, I am starting the blog again in order to intentionally find ways to hold onto the joy, the love, and the courage that filled me when I left Dudley two weeks ago.  This year I am going for it.  I am going to work to more fully embody myself and to bring all that I am to the table all of the time.  I am going to take care of myself, make time for myself, and not apologize for it.  I am going to laugh as loud as the moment calls for.  i am going to love as deeply and fully and fiercely as I am able.  I am not going to apologize for being smart, for knowing things, for working hard, or for making decisions.  I am going to remember who I am and not allow naysayers to convince me of something that isn't true.

I am excited to start writing again.  I'm excited to examine my life, reflect on my experiences, and share with people I care about (or random strangers that stumble across this blog in someway).

It's time to live out loud and savor the quiet reflection.

Summer of Joy

It has been nine months since I started writing in this blog.  In the last few months, my commitment has waned.  I've been trying to figure it out.

I know objectively that there have been great moments of joy over the last few months.  I know there have been things that I have found hilarious, amusing, ironic, confounding, confuddling, bemusing and other such words.  I know that these have been things that I would gladly share with the world at large and yet...I haven't been able to find the words.  I have pushed through in moments and posted.  I have made myself share.  Those brief moments have been rewarding but fleeting.

I am on vacation this week.  I have made a really conscious effort to not work.  My email is piling up and I am not responding to it.  There are calls on my voicemail that I am not listening too.  I have been doing a lot of reflecting, thinking, processing, debriefing, wondering, pondering and other such words.  I think I have allowed other people's toxicity to infect me.  I have lost sight of some of the things I believe to be true.  I have allowed way to much negativity to get up in my grill.

No more.

The next three months are my summer of joy.  I reclaim my time and my attitude.  I reclaim my joy.  I reclaim the things that I can control and release those things that I can't.

Let's make the next three months count!

The Walk

I have grown to like the walk from my BFF's place back to my house.  It gives me time to think.  Sometimes you need a little time to think.  It is amazing.  In the 15 minutes it takes me to walk from one place to another I can change moods so dramatically.  I can really get a chance to go inside my own head and get really worked up about something.  Or I get a chance to calm myself down about something.  Either way, lots of quality emotional time.

Tonight I walked home and it was a beautiful night.  I was feeling a bit melancholy.  In that 15 minutes, I managed to get out of my own head and enjoy the breeze and the fresh air.  I enjoyed my ability to move and walk.  I enjoyed the fact that I wasn't breathing heavy.  I enjoyed that I was thinking about all those things.

It is a good walk.

Ask me again when it is raining or freezing.  :)

Coming out of the Dark

Does anyone remember that Gloria Estefan song?   I think she wrote it when she was in a car accident in her tour bus with all of the miami sound machine and she thought she would never walk again!

I'm pretty sure that is the story.

Well, I was not in a car accident.  My legs are fine.  My crew is all well.

That being said - I have to admit that I feel like I understand her song a little bit after the last month.  There has been a lot of family, friend, work, life crap happening and I have been digging deep to not fold into my mental darkness.  So I have had my head down and I've been pushing through.  I have only been able to focus on one thing at a time and focus on the immediate needs.  Quick run down of the last month - good, bad, bizarre & ugly:

1. I was in an episode of House.  Not really. My stepfather's illness over the last month has felt like that.  His kidneys are failing.  Give him emergency hema-dialysis.  STAT. He's had a minor heart attack.  We think there might be a blood clot.  He's slipping into a coma.  Doctor, we must figure this out.  Blood test. Cat scan. MRI. EKG. ECG. EGG. OMG! Spinal tap. He has bacterial meningitis.  Awake.  Alert.  Damaged.  Alive. Run credits...
2. Amazing weekend at the National Staff Conference for SLTP.  60 people that give me strength, lead by example and love fully.  AWESOME!
3. BFF finished the dissertation.  woo-hoo. 
4. Student sexually assualted.  
5. Student org attempts to fly through Japan after the earthquake and as the nuclear plant begins to melt down.  I say - uh...Wtf?  They proceed to get pissed at me for raining on their parade.  All ends well.  Students realize, perhaps Narita airport was not the best place to be.  
6. Missed 2 Thursdays of karaoke. 
7. Upside of above house episode - got to spend a good chunk of quality time with my niece.  love her. 
8. There have been a few warm days over the last month.  It gives me hope that spring is coming. 
9. I discovered "Just Dance" for Wii and I am addicted.  (I'll write a different blog post about that). 
10. Rebecca Black.  (who will also get her own post)

So yeah, the last month hasn't been all good or all bad - just challenging.  It's good to be back.  :) 

>

Better with friends...

Learning is not meant to be a lonely endeavor.  I knew this before but helping the BFF work on the dissertation has cemented that for me.  In order to do your best work you need help. You need people to bolster you and help you talk through things.  You need mirrors to reflect back to you the concepts, thoughts, theories and general ramblings that are going on. 

Like this blog, reflection and thought while often done alone are not meant to be lonesome or kept to oneself.  Learning, thought, depth, ideas, creativity, questions are meant to be shared and expressed and discussed. 

It has been a challenging lesson for me but one I am holding dearly to and working on daily.  Life, learning and love are all meant to be shared - keeping them to yourself is lonely and seems selfish. 

Because caring IS who I am...

Someone that I care about asked me today (or technically yesterday since it is 1:13am) if I knew who I was without work or caring for other people.  It made me think.  Is there something wrong?  Do I not know who I am?  Do I care too much? 

I didn't respond immediately. 

The answer to the question is no, I don't know who i am without work or without caring for other people because without that care, I'm not who I am.  Caring and a deep desire to have an impact, to make a difference....those are at my core.  I believe in respect.  I believe in justice.  I believe in love.  I believe that love and care are the pathways to true justice.  I don't stand for anything if I don't stand for that. 

Is caring painful sometimes? Absolutely.  Do I sometimes feel tired?  Absolutely. 

Regardless, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Do I need to sometimes figure out how to not get taken advantage of because I care so much about some things?  Absolutely.  But I know where my lines are.  I know how I should be treated.  I know what I believe to be right. 

There are too many people in the world these days trying to tell me that I care too much.  Wondering about why I stay at my job when so many people seem to be jumping ship.  It is because I believe that the work I do truly makes a difference. 

Do I sometimes lose sight of that belief? Absolutely.  Do I sometimes struggle with the individual politics and petty mindgames of others?  ABSOLUTELY.

But I find I don't struggle long because I know what I stand for.  I care about people.  I work from the heart. 

Some may see it as a flaw but I think it is one of my greatest strengths.

Starting fresh...

The thing that I didn't anticipate in writing this blog is that I was inviting people into my life in a very real way.  I haven't been writing much lately.  Have I been busy? Sure.  I haven't been busy enough that I can't write.

I've been struggling.  I have been having an epic battle between my brain and my heart.  I don't know how to clearly explain what that means.  All I can say is that I sometimes feel things deeply.  I know them in my core but I can't explain why I feel the way that I do. Often, these feelings are in contrast to what my head tells me is the best course of action.  Or in conflict with what my head says is the "rational" thing to do.  It is the moment when the thing that my brain or people around me are telling me is the best course of action is the very thing that makes me feel bad or sick to stomach or just a little bit not right.  It isn't easy to listen to my heart over my brain.  Or to find the balance between brain and heart.

Sometimes I momentarily misplace my internal compass and I am left struggling to find my way back to myself.  Sometimes these life detours are brief.  Like this one.  They last for a few days or a couple of weeks.  Sometimes they are longer - a month or two or more.  Longer ones can often be dark times for me.  All this to say that usually when it happens, people may notice that my demeanor has changed slightly or I don't laugh quite as quickly but I am able to fake it pretty well (except from Dr. J or my BFF who can see right through any facade).  Well with this blog, people have noticed that I haven't been writing as much and that has led them to be concerned and ask me if I am okay, etc.

This realization that people are "following" me and are involved in my life in any way remotely is strange.  I write the blog for myself but sharing myself in public is not something I do.  I think most people would describe me as outgoing, bubbly, etc... I can certainly be gregarious and loud and boisterous... Yet, it is work for me.  I love a good laugh.  I can engage as needed.  I wouldn't label myself an extrovert though.  Sharing myself is hard work.  Social settings can be draining for me, especially if I'm not hiding behind a mask.  So the public nature of this blog, the fact that people know when I am and am not posting is daunting.  It is an important step for me.

Dr. J recently wrote a "wednesday visit" about asking for help.  This is a skill that has always been a challenge for me.  It starts with being able to share yourself in even the smallest ways with those around you.  It starts with being genuine in our interactions.  So this blog for me is part of the process of me sharing myself with the world and most importantly sharing myself with myself.  That sounds crazy but when I stop fooling myself then I am able to connect with the world more fully. 

So, to anyone that is reading this that has asked me how I am...I have been struggling but I can see things clearer again.  I have found the arrow on my heart-compass and it is pointing due north again.  Every day is a fresh start and another chance to live better than the day before.

Thank you to my dear friends.  Thank you to all that have asked how I am doing and waited long enough to hear the real answer.  Thank you BFF.  

I am lucky indeed.

Issues like tissues....

Issues...I have them...If I let them, they can stop me in my tracks and I will be immobilized for a while as I try to push through them.  I have learned tricks over the years to help me dig out of my own dwelling...

I am thankful for the following things:

1) the patience of my friends, particularly my BFF - to answer questions calmly, to reassure me that I'm not crazy, to hug me when I need it, to listen to me dissect a problem/conversation/issue until it is in little bitty pieces, to recognize my issues and my insecurities and love me still, to laugh at me when I need to be laughed at...and so many other reasons.

2) my chest of goodies - I have a small chest that is full of little scraps of joy.  Magic notes from camp.  Cards/letters from friends.  Mementos of moments in my life.

3) the library - yesterday I wandered through the public library and ran my hands over the bindings of hundreds of books.  I picked up books that I had read many times before and flipped through them and remembered their stories, the characters, the lives of the book itself.  I checked out three books for myself.

4) books - they can transport you to another time.  Books for me allow me to reflect and to refine my own points of view.  They take me out of myself in order to better understand myself.  The stories and characters remind of so many things but the very books themselves remind me of moments of time.  The books themselves have their own stories.  Some of my books have travelled with me since I was a young girl.  Some are newer acquisitions.  They had a life before they reached my hands and will have a life after they leave my hands.  I adore books.

5) sleep - sometimes I just need to sleep it off and in the morning things are brighter

6) tears - and sometimes I need to cry it out. Tears seem like a strange thing to be thankful for but I am thankful that I am able to release my emotions.  I am a crier...I cry.  It took me a long time to be okay with it.  When I am happy, sad, lonely, moved, angry...all kinds of emotions illicit tears...I have learned to let them come freely most of the time now.

In a strange way I am even thankful for my issues...they are part of who I am and part of my story.

When I Grow Up...

Ages ago when I lived in New York and worked in Rockefeller Plaza there was a "Rock the Vote" event in the plaza.  During that event there was an incredible spoken word session that included a poet named Sekou (tha misfit).  He performed a poem called "When I Grow Up" that has stuck with me for over 5 years.  When I first heard the poem, it struck a chord with me immediately.  In the last few months it has come back to mind again and again.  The poem is about putting all of your passion, desire, fire, care, and self into whatever it is you are doing.  It is about working from the heart and living from the heart.   I knew it was something I aspired to years ago and continues to be so...

When I Grow Up – by Sekou (tha misfit)

Ask me now mommy.
Am I too late?
Ask me now what I want to do for a living.
Am I too late? Cause I think I finally figured it out

I don’t want to do for a living
I want to be for a living

I want to be life.
I want to make things grow, and move, and breath, and reproduce, and respond.
I just want to make things respond and react and rejoice and relax and relate and release and receive
as soon as I recite.
When I grow up,
I don’t want to be like those other kids mommy who want to be doctors and ballers and astronaughts.
I want to be passion, and heat and energy.

When I grow up,
I don’t want to be a fireman mommy, let me be the fire
The explosion behind the soul’s big bang theory that leaves in it’s place . . . desire
That burning within that gives life to the word “aspire”
Let me warm the cold souls of the despairing and heartless
Let me light the paths of those wandering in darkness
And provide children with their first definition of “hot”
And when the artists of the world have become so infatuated with ice that the whole world freezes over,
Let me be the poet that melts the ice-caps, drowns the planet, and starts this world over -
2 poets at a time like Noah. . .
When I grow up

I don’t want to be an astronaut mommy, I want to be the space that he explores -

Not the doctor mommy, let me be the cure.
The prescription for a better life . . .
the way through which the sick and the shut-in can find hope, health, happiness, and healing.
I want to be the pill of which they take two, and the call that is placed that next morning.
I want to be the white blood cell that strengthens the immune system,
the clot that stops the bleeding,
the antidote that counters the poison;
I want to speak antibiotic poetry that defeats your life’s viruses,
but only if you take my words in 3 times a day until the entire bottle is gone;
I want to be the perspective of the world through the eyes of an autistic child who is diagnosed with a sickness when in fact she merely sees the world with a clarity that the rest of us could only dream of having. . .
When I grow up

I don’t want to be a preacher mommy, I want to be the word

Not the artist mommy, I want to be the art
Not the painter, let me be the canvas
Not the choreographer, let me be the dances
Not the poet, let me be the stanzas

When I grow up

I don’t want to be a singer mommy, I want to be the sound!
The song you sing the way you sing it when you think aint nobody else around

When I grow up,
I don’t want to be a lawyer mommy I want to be justice.
Not the philosopher, but the philosophy that the brilliant minds try to follow,
Or the brilliance in those minds,
Or even the elusive concepts that they can’t quite figure out like
hope, purpose, faith . . . and time.

I wanna be time mommy!

So that the world will go to sleep every night feeling like they never got enough of me.
And will panic when they feel me slipping away.
Time! So that I will never feel this depression I feel now for being abandoned by it
Time! So that I will never again be before myself, never be out of myself,
Never be too late, never be too early,
So that for once in this life of unfulfilled dreams that have left my cheeks streaked from salt water erosion and my mouth pertpetually coated with the bitter aftertaste of disappointment,
for once I can be right on me!

When I grow up,

I want to be the antonym of void,
the antithesis of without,
the contradiction of silence,
the inverse of absence,
the reverse of regression,
the antilogy to emptiness,
the illumination of shadows,
the opposite of darkness . . .
I wanna be the opposite of darkness when I grow up mommy!

So that when the greatest poet in existence
recites the first line
of the greatest poem ever written

“let there be light”

. . . then I can begin.

Healthy mind, healthy body

I have discovered that when my head is all out of whack, then everything else in my life is too.  When I am sucked into a negative vortex, then I stop taking care of my house, my body, my relationships.  In those moments it takes all of my energy to get basic daily life done.  In those moments, I tend to focus on tasks.  I focus on getting work done.  What I am unable to do is focus on me...when really in those moments I should be focusing on me and then I would be better able to take care of everything else.

This blog has been vital in re-centering me.  It was the first and very important step for me to start taking care of myself.  I always tell my students that they can't take care of other people unless they take care of themselves.  I know that I am better able to focus, to help people and to be in a frame of mind to think clearly when I am taking care of myself.  I know that it is not selfish to do so and that taking care of myself is the first step to taking care of others.  I know all of these things intellectually but I have always had a hard time living my life that way. 

The act of writing one thing (or 5) that brought me joy in a given day has been important for me.  It has allowed me to focus on my life.  It has allowed me to breathe in happiness.  It has helped me start taking care of myself physically - exercise, eating better, clean apartment.  All of these things help me feel secure and safe in my own life and in my own presence.  Every day I take a teeny tiny baby step towards being more comfortable in my own skin, in my own mind and in my own company. 

I didn't think this blog would be such hard work for me.  It started as a whim. A momentary idea that flitted through my head.  It has turned into a journey for me.  It is allowing me to share parts of myself with strangers when I usually keep most things tucked away.  It is inviting myself into my own life.  While I know that there are other people reading this, the main audience for this blog remains me.  I write everyday for myself. (Although I am glad to have whoever is reading along for the ride)

It is helping me to love myself in a way that I haven't in a long time.

Old journals

For some reason last night I decided to reread some old journals.  They are incredible.  First, I was super melodramatic at times.  Some of the "drama" going on in my life back in the day makes me laugh a lot.

There is something incredible about old journals.  They have all this history of things that I have forgotten.  There are these moments in the journals that were so important in the moment but I don't actually remember those moments until I was triggered by reading it in the journal.  Some of those thoughts consumed huge chunks of my time and energy and were so unproductive.

What is nice about looking back on the things I used to write is that I can actually see that in many substantial ways my life has changed and I have changed.  For the most part, those changes are in good ways.  It is nice to see evidence of growth.  I like to see that I have been able top change patterns of crazy behavior.  It is also interesting that there are some things that drove me crazy when I was 12 that still drive me crazy at 31 and will probably still make me nuts at 87.  I also discovered that no matter what age I am much more angry when people that I love are mistreated than I do when I am mistreated.

Home-Coming

This weekend is homecoming weekend here at Dartmouth.  It is a big deal around here.  A giant wooden bonfire is built in the center of the green and then burnt down as the first-year class runs around it.  It is very Lord of the Flies.  All sorts of alums come back to campus for this weekend.  For some alums it is a tradition that they share with their children.  They watch this fire burn and go to the football game and return to this campus and feel as though they have come home.

This is a strange weekend for me because as an alum the expectation would be that I am enthralled with this tradition and that I am eager and excited to see people that I haven't seen in over 10 years and didn't care all that much about.  Or that I am eager to come "home" to Dartmouth.  It was never true for me.  When I left, I never felt this gravitational pull to return to my alma mater.  In fact, it is still a strange experience for me that I am back here at all.

Working here, this weekend is chaos and hard work.  Our office is responsible for building the giant wooden structure and getting the students organized.  This weekend is also full of worry because sometimes students do stupid things and get into trouble.  There is so much hoopla happening that I worry on big weekends.

What is nice though is that my former students come back and I get to see them.  Our office hosts an alumni reception during this time where we invite our old students back to say hello and catch-up.  I was able to see some of my favorite students.  Students that are doing amazing things with their lives and that are working hard on discovering who they are outside of college and finding their place in this great big world.  They give some of the best hugs and are beautiful reminders of why this work is so important.  These are students that I worked with for years as they navigated through the many land-mines of young adulthood and the craziness of college.  They are wonderful.

All this homecoming discussion has made me think about home and where I feel at home.  It is strange that I actually call the Upper Valley home these days and I don't mean it ironically.  I feel at home here.  I have moved around so much in my life that I don't know if location actually has anything to do with home.  I am at home here because I have been lucky enough to find people that I love and that care about me.  This place is quickly filling with good memories that are replacing the negative ones from my days as a student.  Working here at Dartmouth has allowed me to heal the person I was and find home.

I also have come to realize that I carry home around with me.  Home is curled up with a glass of wine with my BFF.  Home is my mom and my niece and the laughter.   Home is SLTP and the Collis Center.  Home is the satisfaction of a job well done.  Home is karaoke and table one.  Home is all of the joy, laughter, hope, tears and pain of life and a life well-lived. 

One month check-in (delayed)

Holy Cow!  So I started writing this blog one month ago today.  That seems crazy to me.

So, I am officially checking-in with myself (and you all) about whether I feel like it is meeting my goals and objectives.  I am doing some internal assessment...or reflecting on my reflection.  That could turn into an endless cycle of reflecting there.  But I digress...

*****************************************
I really digressed and had to save the blog entry and stop writing because I got wrapped up in other things. Then last night I wasn't feeling particularly joyful...lol...so didn't write.  BUT...now I have had some sleep and can more properly reflect on my first month.

*****************************************

Here are my reflections:
1) I am noticing the things that make me smile or chuckle or feel good more now.  It is way too easy to get sucked into the negative pieces of life.  Don't get me wrong....I'm not a saint and the negative pieces still have major impact in my life and this past month has been full of moments of anger, sadness, anxiety, etc - the whole range of emotions.  That being said

2) what this blog has done is allowed me to let go of those things and revel in the good.  It has even helped me find the good in moments of challenge, instead of focusing on the bad.  I remember this month as a good one, even though there were many moments of "blech".  I remember it that way because this blog helped me take the time to notice and point out the ridiculous and not so ridiculous things in my life.   This has led me

3) to the conclusion that I am extraordinarily boring!  LOL! I will admit that I have had to be careful not to turn this into a blog that pays homage to karaoke, my BFF and Glee.  HAHA.  Looking at the last month of blogs, I noticed that the small things and mostly the ridiculous things have been the things that make me joyful.  So one of the advantages of this blog

4) is a reminder to continue to make time for those things regardless of my schedule or my bad car karma or whatever.  So I make sure I am at karaoke on Thursdays no matter what is going on or how tired I am.  I schedule in time to read and respond to SLTP emails and engage in that dialogue.  My BFF gets time no matter what is happening because time with him is some of my favorite time.  And the Tuesday night GLEE watch is set in stone.  Those things matter and I need to make time.

5) Finally, i  am realizing that joy comes in many forms and feels differently in many situations.  Whether  it is the euphoric happiness of a tremendous moment, the quiet satisfaction of a job well done, the stomachache from shared laughter....or the million other ways it feels.  Joy doesn't come in one package. It has been fun finding it in unexpected places and being able to share those moments.

I don't have any idea who is reading this.  According to the stats on this blog there have been 1,078 views in the last month.  That seems insane.  AND people have been viewing from the US but also Canada, Singapore, the UK and South Africa.  WTF?!  That is insane and strange and cool.  Whoever is reading this (friend or stranger), I appreciate you taking the moment out of your day to browse my thoughts.