Battling Sadness

I believe that sadness is part of life.  Sometimes we are sad.  Bad things happen.  Hard things happen.  Disappointment happens.  Being sad and hurt and angry are all natural emotions and come with the territory of being human.  That said, my natural inclination is to dwell in that hurt and sadness far longer than I should.  I ruminate on the mistakes I have made.  I blame myself for not predicting what would happen and for not stopping it before it made me or someone else sad.  I worry.  Over the years I have learned ways to keep the overwhelming darkness that can sometimes settle over me at bay.  I have incredible friends that care deeply about me. I have a fulfilling life and work.  I have invested time in things that matter.  All of that has helped but a few years ago, when I first started this blog, I realized the thing that was most useful to me in staying positive and in keeping my face towards the light - it was actively reminding myself of the beautiful little things in my life.  Actively taking time to feel blessed at the daily wonder in my life helped me shift my whole life.  It made a profound difference in how I felt about myself and the world.  Over the last 3 years, I have been able to make significant and important changes to my life.  These changes have been made through very small baby steps and that is what I need to remember.  I need to continue to remind myself that the big things are made up of thousands of little things.

As darkness peeks at the edges of my mind, I find myself again needing to remember the ordinary wonder and awe that is found when we live our lives.  I need to reflect on the daily heroics that come from regular and often unnoticed kindness.  This was the original purpose of this blog.  It was my attempt at being fully present in my own life and of sharing myself with anyone willing to take a moment to read the ramblings in this blog.  

So, yes, sadness and pain and anger and hurt and disappointment and frustration are part of being human.  That is true.  But what is also true is that beauty and love and laughter and joy and awe and wonder and kindness and care and compassion and empathy and hope are also part of being human.   And I believe in in hope and I believe in love and I believe in kindness.  I believe there is more good than bad in the world and  I believe there is more things to be inspired by in the world than there are things to be disappointed in.  We just need to be willing to see them and find them and share them.  It is the only way I know to battle the sadness, escape the darkness, and be fully present in the light of my own life. 

Here we go again...

Why start writing again?

In the last few weeks I have been making small changes to my life.  I was motivated by my two weeks volunteering at SLTP.  That experience this year was exactly what I needed.  By working in a place with people I love, doing work that I love, I was reminded of who I was and what matters to me.  I was reminded that one person can make a difference.  I was reminded that taking care of yourself is not selfishness.  I was reminded that asking for help is not a sign of weakness.  I was reminded that caring deeply, loving fiercely and laughing loudly are things to be celebrated not silenced.  While I was supposed to be teaching the students, I believe I may have learned just as much if not more than they did.

With that experience at my back, I am starting the blog again in order to intentionally find ways to hold onto the joy, the love, and the courage that filled me when I left Dudley two weeks ago.  This year I am going for it.  I am going to work to more fully embody myself and to bring all that I am to the table all of the time.  I am going to take care of myself, make time for myself, and not apologize for it.  I am going to laugh as loud as the moment calls for.  i am going to love as deeply and fully and fiercely as I am able.  I am not going to apologize for being smart, for knowing things, for working hard, or for making decisions.  I am going to remember who I am and not allow naysayers to convince me of something that isn't true.

I am excited to start writing again.  I'm excited to examine my life, reflect on my experiences, and share with people I care about (or random strangers that stumble across this blog in someway).

It's time to live out loud and savor the quiet reflection.

One month check-in (delayed)

Holy Cow!  So I started writing this blog one month ago today.  That seems crazy to me.

So, I am officially checking-in with myself (and you all) about whether I feel like it is meeting my goals and objectives.  I am doing some internal assessment...or reflecting on my reflection.  That could turn into an endless cycle of reflecting there.  But I digress...

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I really digressed and had to save the blog entry and stop writing because I got wrapped up in other things. Then last night I wasn't feeling particularly joyful...lol...so didn't write.  BUT...now I have had some sleep and can more properly reflect on my first month.

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Here are my reflections:
1) I am noticing the things that make me smile or chuckle or feel good more now.  It is way too easy to get sucked into the negative pieces of life.  Don't get me wrong....I'm not a saint and the negative pieces still have major impact in my life and this past month has been full of moments of anger, sadness, anxiety, etc - the whole range of emotions.  That being said

2) what this blog has done is allowed me to let go of those things and revel in the good.  It has even helped me find the good in moments of challenge, instead of focusing on the bad.  I remember this month as a good one, even though there were many moments of "blech".  I remember it that way because this blog helped me take the time to notice and point out the ridiculous and not so ridiculous things in my life.   This has led me

3) to the conclusion that I am extraordinarily boring!  LOL! I will admit that I have had to be careful not to turn this into a blog that pays homage to karaoke, my BFF and Glee.  HAHA.  Looking at the last month of blogs, I noticed that the small things and mostly the ridiculous things have been the things that make me joyful.  So one of the advantages of this blog

4) is a reminder to continue to make time for those things regardless of my schedule or my bad car karma or whatever.  So I make sure I am at karaoke on Thursdays no matter what is going on or how tired I am.  I schedule in time to read and respond to SLTP emails and engage in that dialogue.  My BFF gets time no matter what is happening because time with him is some of my favorite time.  And the Tuesday night GLEE watch is set in stone.  Those things matter and I need to make time.

5) Finally, i  am realizing that joy comes in many forms and feels differently in many situations.  Whether  it is the euphoric happiness of a tremendous moment, the quiet satisfaction of a job well done, the stomachache from shared laughter....or the million other ways it feels.  Joy doesn't come in one package. It has been fun finding it in unexpected places and being able to share those moments.

I don't have any idea who is reading this.  According to the stats on this blog there have been 1,078 views in the last month.  That seems insane.  AND people have been viewing from the US but also Canada, Singapore, the UK and South Africa.  WTF?!  That is insane and strange and cool.  Whoever is reading this (friend or stranger), I appreciate you taking the moment out of your day to browse my thoughts.

Good work

I am emotionally wiped-out.

It was a very long and difficult day.  It was a day of student issues that triggered some very unpleasant memories of my own time in college.  My 4 years of college was not easy.  I felt as though I fought every day for my place at the table.  I worked with a student today whose life is very complicated.  The institution has rules that are supposed to work for everyone but they don't and when they run up against a life, a human, a situation that doesn't fit into the neat box that was created they sometimes have a hard time dealing with it.  It was hard not to cry tears of frustration and pain and sadness in front of the student.  It was a moment of remembering to empathize but not put my own experiences and emotions onto him and help guide him to his own path.  The outcome was better than I anticipated but still gut-wrenching and difficult to swallow.

Sometimes I feel like I write these messages and they don't seem like joyful posts at all.  I am writing this blog to help keep me from sliding into the pain and negativity that days like today could create.  I write this blog to remind myself that in the challenge comes satisfaction.  I am writing to keep myself from dwelling on mistakes. I am writing so that I can celebrate myself and all the moments of my life.

I was reminded today and have been reminded repeatedly this week that I am not the woman that I was 10 years ago.  I have grown and changed.  Everyday I learn and I am a little better than I was the day before.  I am moving forward rather than staying in place.  I have choice in my life and each moment is an opportunity to be more of who I want to be.

I did good work today.  It was hard but it was good.  I am glad for the challenge and I am glad that I am at a place where I am learning to praise myself. (Praise makes me VERY uncomfortable)

Now I am going to do laundry, watch television and drink a glass (or two) of wine...