52 Lists: Current and Future Goals & Dreams

52 Lists

Week Four// List Your Current and Future Goals & Dreams

I've already written up my 2014 goals in the blog.  I'm actively working on those and plan on providing a monthly update. What other current and future goals do I have...? 

•  Write more letters 
• Keep in touch with friends old and new better
• Spin a globe and travel to the place where my finger lands
• Save enough money to retire comfortably
• Become a Dean of Students at a liberal arts college
• Be the best friend I can be
• Build a family of my own - more and more I think this won't look like the pictures in fairy tales but it will be my family
• Never forget my niece's birthday
• Make sure my brother knows how proud I am of him
• Take an art class
• Write a book, even if it is a really crappy one
• Dance more
• Tell more puns
• Visit each continent at least once (Can I go to Antartica?)
• Own my own house with a porch and a backyard patio and fence so my dog and my BFF's dog can run unhindered
• Go skiing again and try to enjoy it
• Go parasailing
• Learn to bartend
• Research my family tree
• Complain less and love more
• Learn to play the piano or the guitar
• Perform on stage
• Win a karaoke contest
• Go to a nude beach/resort
• Swim with the dolphins
• Throw my mom a giant 60th birthday party
• Find an occasion to wear my beautiful banana yellow heels 
• Not be afraid to say I love you

I'm in Redbook Magazine

In one of those strange twists of life, I was asked to interview with Redbook magazine about my weight loss last year.  The trainer at the Upper Valley Aquatic Center gave them my name because they were looking for someone that had lost weight by swimming or other water-based exercise.  I was hesitant but I figured what the hell, right?  I had worked hard to become a healthier human being.  So I did the interview.  I had no idea what was going to come from it.  I didn't really know what the angle of the article was and after the interview I was excited but VERY nervous about it.

The article came out in the January issue and indeed my little piece was in there.  A friend got the issue and showed me the article. Instead of being excited about it or celebrating it, I was mortified because they printed my starting weight.  I scoured the other 9 stories looking for the weights of the other women profiled. Mine was the only number printed.  I didn't want anyone to read it because I didn't want anyone to see that starting number. 

A colleague stopped me after we returned to work in the New Year and told me she had seen my name in the magazine.  In reflection, her voice was kind and full of nothing but positivity.  She congratulated me on my weight loss and commented that she had notice but was never sure if one could comment.  I smiled and nodded and thanked her but realized as I left her office that I felt exposed and vulnerable.  I felt sure that she was secretly judging me. 

I guess this post goes along with my post about my gray hair.  I am always shocked by how deep the shame lives when it comes to my body.  I am always surprised at the moments when guilt, shame, and self-loathing wash over me.  I don't remember the interview but I do remember saying that being healthy for me required me to change my internal narrative.  My physical health changed when my mental health changed.  When I started to focus on how I wanted to feel and the things that I wanted to do. 

And I'm able to do many of those things now...I can climb stairs without feeling like my heart is going to explode.  I don't dread meetings across campus because of the walk - in fact, I intentionally schedule meetings in other people's offices in order to be outside.  I can swim laps easily.  I can take a zumba class and enjoy the movement.  I can touch my toes.  My blood pressure is in the normal range.  My sugar level has gone down to normal range.  I feel better. 

I have a long history with weight and I am always worried about telling my story or discussing weight loss because I don't want young women or men to look at a number on the scale and define themselves by it.  We are so much more than that.  Ironically, it wasn't until I really started to believe that I was more than my weight and was a full person, that I started to lose the weight.  I have made lifestyle changes that make me feel better but I don't deprive myself.  I no longer binge.  I'm finding other ways to deal with my emotions (anger, happiness, sadness, loneliness).  I'm investing time in myself. 

The weight loss is the most noticeable change to the outside world but my health is far beyond the number on the scale.  Yet, that number on the scale is part of my story and not a part that should be hidden away or a part that should be shameful.  It is just a part of my story.  It does not define what my life has been or where my life is going and only I can give it that power. 

So here is the story and the number.  I still look at it and it looks like it is bolded and in a larger font but I know that isn't true.  It is simply a number.   I am made up of so much more than pounds on a scale.  I'm torn about posting this, or having my name being associated with a "how to lose weight" article.  I'm not sure how I feel about contributing to the never ending narrative that tells us that we need to be thinner to be happier and healthier.  I don't believe it is as simple as that.  I know it isn't as simple as that. 

One of my goals this year was practicing kindness and that starts with me.  Being kind to myself means fueling my body better, moving my body more, reflecting more on my choices, and accepting the complex story that is my life.  I guess, this long rambling blog posts that ends with the words from Redbook and that 3 digit number is part of that acceptance.  Part of sharing who I am, where I've been, and the journey forward.

 Start by forgiving yourself

"In November 2012, I hit 421 pounds, my heaviest weight ever. I've tried pretty much every fad diet out there: Atkins, the grapefruit diet, pills. But my journey to better health really began when I changed my inner monologue from one that was negative and critical and said You're not worthy to one that said, You can do this; you deserve to be healthy and happy and have love in your life. I've had to forgive myself and be kind to myself in order to move forward—after all, I can't change what happened yesterday, but I can change what happens today and tomorrow. I started by signing up for Weight Watchers and finding a pool I could use for exercise. Now the Upper Valley Aquatic Center is my second home. The water is so relaxing, like a cushion, and I can move without feeling hot or sweaty or straining my joints. I love it—it feels meditative. There's no way to shed the amount of pounds I have to lose and not be confused by the process at times. My weight has been such a part of my identity that losing it can feel overwhelming. Every day I have the opportunity to make choices about my health. Before, my eating and physical habits were thoughtless. Now, I pause and think before I decide to put something in my body or skip a workout. I still have a ways to go, but my goal isn't to be skinny; it's to feel better about myself, and I'm definitely on that path." —Elizabeth Agosto, 34, Hanover, NH; lost 78 pounds and has kept it off for a year

The full article can be found online.

My first gray hair

I found my first gray hair.  I'm 34, it seems like the right age to acquire one's first gray hair.

I was surprised by my reaction to this single strand of white.  I have always been a person that has wanted to grow old naturally.  I don't want to dye my hair or alter the process in any way.  I want laugh lines. I am pretty low maintenance when it comes to all things beauty.  My mom is a serious hair-dyer.  She does it often and frequently.  She tried multiple times to get me to dye my hair.  One day I let her but it didn't stick.  My hair had to be in direct sunlight at just the right angle for you to even tell that my hair was the slightest tint of red.  It just isn't my thing.  I have sometimes secretly wanted it to be my thing...I wanted to care more about it.  I've purchased all the products.  I have entire drawers full of make-up and hair product.  I've just never figured out how to make it work and every time I do my make-up in any shade other than "barely there" colors, I look in the mirror and feel like I'm looking into someone else's face.  So, I'm a wash my face, brush my hair, low fuss girl.  Just who I am.

And then I saw the gray hair.   I will admit that I had a bit of freak-out moment.  Years of hearing the evils of gray hair and aging came crashing over me.  It was a remarkable thing.  I stood there in my bathroom staring at this single gray hair.  I almost pulled it out and then a saying that I heard countless times growing up came to me.  "If you pull it out, seven more friends will come to visit".  What?!! As though me pulling out my gray hair would cause more to grow out of spite and revenge.  The gray hairs would gather together and avenge the death of their friend.  I laughed at myself...but I didn't pull the hair out of my head. 

Why would I want to pull it out anyway?

That's the real question, isn't it?  What is so wrong with having a gray hair?  Why did it freak me out?  Why can't I, as a woman, be excited to be aging?  Why can't I be described as distinguished as I age? Why should I feel like I need to remain forever young?  I studied sociology and worked for a long time to figure out how to respond to the societal pressure to be thin and balance that with how I felt, my own sense of self, and my own feelings of health.  I understand how the culture and society I live in influences my feelings about beauty and aging.

There has been a lot of news lately about beauty and photoshopping and the unrealistic and unfair standards of beauty.  I saw an article by the The Telegraph recently where they were discussing Diane Keaton at the Golden Globes and then the L'oreal commercial where she was smoothed and photoshopped.  I truly think she looks better at the Golden Globes.  She looks alive and real and naturally beautiful.   There have been stories about the Aerie american eagle brand that is no longer going to allow photoshopping.  Their move has been considered revolutionary.  It makes me sad that showing young women as really beautiful people just as they are is revolutionary but it is.  I know that the comments on those ads will say that those women are fat or they will analyze every ripple and every curve.  We commit unspeakable damage through the ways that we treat one another, the ways that we rip one another apart.  I know this.  I see it clearly.  I have worked to empower myself and those around me to see themselves as more than failures because we can't live up to standards of beauty that aren't real or attainable. 

That said, I was surprised at the vehemence of my repulsion to that gray hair but I refuse to surrender to it.  I have made friends with my gray hair.  I reserve the right to dye my hair at some point.  I celebrate women that choose to express themselves and their beauty however they want.  The point, isn't that we shouldn't use make-up or dye our hair or lose weight or wear high heels or whatever it is.  The point is that we shouldn't feel like we HAVE TO in order to be beautiful because we already are and it is our flaws, imperfections, quirks that serve as our ultimate beauty marks.

We are a term my friend Meg was taught by one of her students - We are FLAWSOME!

My New Fitness Binder

One of my 2014 goals was to maintain my forward momentum on adopting healthy food and exercise habits.  To that end, I created my very own fitness binder. 

I got the template from Fit.Strong.Lean.  I printed out the pages that worked for me and not the ones that I knew I was never going to use.  I printed them in black and white and used some crayola markers to color the templates in and make them bright and colorful. 



I ended up with 3 sections for the binder: My schedule, Goals & motivation, and Body management.  I don't love the title "body management" but that is what it is, I guess.  I'm committed to not focusing solely on weight, so part of the body management piece for me was about what my body can manage  For example, how long can I hold a plank or how many jumping jacks can I do without feeling like my lungs are on fire. 

Once the inserts were all colored in and pretty, I put it together in a binder.  I've started to plan out my exercise schedule and working to get a little bit of intentional exercise in every day. 

Isn't the binder nice?  :)

February, I'm trying the 30 day Plank challenge!  Supposedly I will be able to hold a plank for 4 minutes and 30 seconds at the end of the challenge.  That seems HIGHLY unlikely to me, but I'm going to give it a try. 

52 Lists: the things you should be proud of

52 Lists

Week Three// List the Things You Should be Proud Of

I'm going to start by saying that I find this to be a really hard list to make.  I appreciate that it says the word "should".  I believe that there are probably a lot of things that I should be proud of but I find it really challenging to say those things out loud.  I find it even more challenging to not accompanying every single item on this list with a caveat or explanation.  Here goes my attempt to admit the things that I should be proud of without explanation, excuses, embarrassment, or caveats.

•  Attending and finishing Dartmouth in 4 years
• Asking the question "how are you" and standing still long enough to hear the answer
• Helping a friend when they need it
• Working with SLTP and making a difference in the lives of students
• Not settling or lowering my expectations
• Practicing kindness, especially when it is hard
• Writing thank you notes
• Getting out of debt and rebuilding my credit
• Taking control of my health and exercising and eating better
• Losing 80 pounds last year
• Believing in Santa Claus
• Building the FYSEP program and seeing its impact on students
• Finding my career in student affairs and excelling at it
• Being able to synthesize ideas
• Helping my family
• Moving away from home
• Making it through some terrible situations without losing hope
• Putting people before product

52 Lists: Your Greatest Comforts

52 Lists

Week two// List your greatest comforts

• time with my best friend
• hugs 
• the amazing staff of the student leadership program
• laughter
• a giant mug of hot coffee
• books
• being in the water
• the smell of ocean air
• my mother's cooking
• old photo albums
• my collection of cards, letters, and magic notes 
• lists
• a deep belief in the ultimate goodness of people, even when it doesn't feel like I have a reason to believe
• my niece's laughter and love
• playing board games
• a text message or call from the one person you needed to hear from at exactly the right time
• writing letters
• an organized desk
• color coding
• my gigantic bed with its pillowtop mattress
• soup in a bread bowl
• my dog Sally
• driving with the windows rolled down and the music on high

Flock of Alpacas

I came across this website somewhere...Not sure where...I clicked on it and it made me laugh.  These alpacas all have their own sense of style.  I'm impressed at the wide range of hair styles available to alpacas.  I had no idea.  Below are my 3 favorite.  Looking at them, I clearly appreciate an alpaca that rocks an 80s Flock of Seagulls type hairdo.

52 Lists: Words that touch your soul

My friend MLS posted this idea she found on her blog, so of course I had to check it out.  I love making lists, so the idea of 52 lists completely peaked my interest.  She found the idea on the blog of Moorea Seal.

So, if I can remember...BIG IF... then I am going to participate in this excellent project.  I'm already a week behind but here goes nothing. I'll keep these short and sweet.

52 Lists

Week One// List the Words That Touch Your Soul

Friendship          Ocean         Annalisse          BFF          Difference-maker

Laughter          Love           Learning          SLTP          Thank you          Jaja

Cuddles          LY=          Ogunquit          Books          Resilience          Joy

Faith          Hope         Heart-work          Mommy          Family          Compassion

Care          Kindness          Candy          Water          Moonlight          Depth

Reflection          Karaoke          Passion          Intimacy          Kisses

Snowflakes          Responsibility          Christmas          Students          Angels

2014 - new year, new goals

I started out making a list of 14 goals for 2014 - that list became a list of 20.  I'm really looking forward to the new year.  I'm not sure why I feel full of joy and hope about this year, but I do feel that way, so I'm going to go with the flow.

My list of 14, errrrh 20, goals is as follows:

See firewater in Providence.  I really want to see this event.  I have for a long time and I've never made the time to see it.  This year is the year.

Continue improving my healthy habits: Last year I lost 80 pounds but more importantly I learned to eat healthier and I exercised more.  I feel better about myself, I have more energy, and I am more engaged.  The goal is to keep it up.  I had a specific weight loss goal on my original list but I don't think that is smart and not really the point.

Apply to graduate school.  It is time for me to finish procrastinating on this and actually finish the applications!

Spend more time in Ogunquit this summer.  I love it.  My BFF has a cottage there.  Why not?

Take better care of my teeth. I hate flossing.  I need to floss.

Read a book every 2 weeks.  Doesn't matter what the book is, I just want to read more.  I used to read all the time, I couldn't get enough of it but I have been very remiss in my reading.  I probably should  make sure I have a current library card.  :)

Research and work towards becoming a Zumba instructor. Specifically, I want to become an Aqua Zumba instructor but that requires me to do the main certification first.

Hang stuff on walls. I have pictures and stuff sitting in a corner and for 7 years they have moved with me from apartment to apartment.  It is time for me to hang them up.

Increase my investment and ownership in SLTP.  This is a program that I love and I want to become more fully involved and find new ways to give to the program and help grow the program.

Go apple and berry picking.  Not necessarily on the same day. I've never been apple picking.

Take a baking class at King Arthur Flour.  I love to bake.  I love to learn.  Why not do both?

Ride a roller coaster.  I haven't been on one since I was in high school.

Go to the Big E.  Anyone from Massachusetts or Connecticut likely knows what this is.  It is a giant country fair - I guess is the best way to describe it.  I used to love it as a kid and I want to go back.

Take a trip to NYC.  I want to meet baby Nico and see my dear friend JF.

Take myself on a date once a month.  Dinner and a movie for one?  yes, please!

Paint the wood furniture.  I have a ton of unfinished wood furniture and I am going to paint or stain it this year.

Buy a bike.  I also hope to ride it but the main goal for 2014 is to simply purchase a bike.

Increase student contact at work.  I like my job but I want more student contact.  I can find ways to do it, I just need to be proactive and intentional.

Read the New York Times on Sundays and attempt the crossword puzzle.  This used to be one of my favorite activities when I lived in NYC.  Generally, the news makes me VERY depressed and so I stopped reading regularly. I want to get back to it so that I can be better informed but also because I like it.  I've never completed a Sunday crossword puzzle but I've got 52 weeks to try.  :)

Practice Kindness.  I generally try to be a very kind person.  I am usually kindest to other people.  So I want to practice being kind to myself.  I want to continue to practice kindness towards others.  I want to be more intentional about the ways that I should my care and compassion to others.  I want to practice random acts of kindness. 

So that's it.  That's the list.  2014 - here I come.


*** Whoops!  I missed one.  There are 21!  The last one is Run in the Electric Run 5K in Boston in October.  My friend AC and I are going to do it together using the Couch to 5K method.  :)