Letting go is not easy for me. When I invest time, energy and passion into something it is painful for me to let it go. It is hard for me to admit that I don't have time for it. It is hard to say that it (or he/she) doesn't belong in my life anymore. This week was a practice in letting go and accepting.
This week I had to let go of a program that I helped develop, design and nursed into reality. I invested blood, sweat and tears into this program - literally. I almost caused an irreparable rift between me and my BFF because of this program. Over the course of this year I had to cede direction of the program to a colleague. This week the program started and I was part of it but I wasn't. I was an onlooker. It hurt so bad and I want to kick and scream and cry. Yet, at the same time...I am so proud of the program. I want it to thrive regardless of who is directing. The program should not be dependent on a person. I had to practice letting it go and being in a different place with it. I still feel it but I get it,
Sometimes things no longer fit in our lives. There is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes things and people grow together and sometimes they grow apart. I am perfectly capable of throwing away a shirt that doesn't fit anymore or to get rid of possessions but admitting that people, programs or ideas no longer fit, is much harder. Letting go of these things also means letting go of who I was when they were in my life. It means being fully honest with myself and admit that perhaps it isn't those people or things that have changed but instead it is me that has changed.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Quote of the Week: Life is Resilient
"There's no such thing as ruining your life. Life is a pretty resilient thing, as it turns out."
- Sophie Kinsella
Resolutions
In January I made two resolutions for 2012: (1) Be Thankful and (2) Be Healthy. The first one was easy. I work in it weekly and take time regularly to be thankful for the amazing things in my life. Being Healthy has proven to be more challenging. I was talking about health in a holistic way. I was talking about my financial, emotional, spiritual and physical health. I've made some progress.
Financially I am in the best place I have ever been. I have an actual savings account and am working on saving a comfortable cushion and enough to put a good chunk of change down on a new car. I'm still working on budgeting and making sure that I don't spend all my money in the first two weeks of the month leaving me struggling in the last two weeks. This is a learning process and I was never taught how to manage money, so now that I'm 33, I am finally getting the hang of it.
Emotionally & Spiritually - eh, well, I'm working on it. I think that writing in the blog again is part of the process to keep myself connected to my emotional and spiritual health. I am throwing myself back into SLTP which is always a place the feeds my emotional, spiritual and intellectual side. I am taking time for myself. I am allowing myself to have the full range of emotions. I am working on communicating and being more fearless. I am taking time to unplug from technology to sit outside, to breath and to be mindful. These are all baby steps and I don't do them consistently. All of these changes are about trying to build healthier habits.
Physically I am making slow progress. I am exercising more regularly. I renewed my membership at the aquatic center and have been swimming and taking water aerobics. I also joined Weight Watchers. I think that WW is really helpful for me in being thoughtful about what I am eating and when. It gives me a picture and forces me to think about the choices I am making. Food has always served as a comfort to me, so I eat when I'm sad, when I'm angry, etc. And I don't eat a little when I feel this way, I eat too much. That isn't a healthy relationship with food. So WW is helping me think about my food choices and to start making other decisions when I want to eat emotionally. So, I have been making a concert effort for 4 weeks. I notice that I feel different physically and that is important. The scale reads that I have lost weight and the body measurements show that I have as well, but honestly, that isn't really the point. I want to feel good.
So, it has taken 8 months but I have made progress on all of my resolutions. That makes me proud.
Financially I am in the best place I have ever been. I have an actual savings account and am working on saving a comfortable cushion and enough to put a good chunk of change down on a new car. I'm still working on budgeting and making sure that I don't spend all my money in the first two weeks of the month leaving me struggling in the last two weeks. This is a learning process and I was never taught how to manage money, so now that I'm 33, I am finally getting the hang of it.
Emotionally & Spiritually - eh, well, I'm working on it. I think that writing in the blog again is part of the process to keep myself connected to my emotional and spiritual health. I am throwing myself back into SLTP which is always a place the feeds my emotional, spiritual and intellectual side. I am taking time for myself. I am allowing myself to have the full range of emotions. I am working on communicating and being more fearless. I am taking time to unplug from technology to sit outside, to breath and to be mindful. These are all baby steps and I don't do them consistently. All of these changes are about trying to build healthier habits.
Physically I am making slow progress. I am exercising more regularly. I renewed my membership at the aquatic center and have been swimming and taking water aerobics. I also joined Weight Watchers. I think that WW is really helpful for me in being thoughtful about what I am eating and when. It gives me a picture and forces me to think about the choices I am making. Food has always served as a comfort to me, so I eat when I'm sad, when I'm angry, etc. And I don't eat a little when I feel this way, I eat too much. That isn't a healthy relationship with food. So WW is helping me think about my food choices and to start making other decisions when I want to eat emotionally. So, I have been making a concert effort for 4 weeks. I notice that I feel different physically and that is important. The scale reads that I have lost weight and the body measurements show that I have as well, but honestly, that isn't really the point. I want to feel good.
So, it has taken 8 months but I have made progress on all of my resolutions. That makes me proud.
Say what you need to say...
My BFF and I have had a long-term argument about John Mayer's song Say. The question has always been do you "say what you need to say" when it might hurt someone else. Or if it is coming from a place of anger or hurt. I tend to err on the side of silence around saying what needs to be said. I worry about my motives and my impact. My BFF is more direct and clear about what he needs to say. He declares that it isn't about saying what you want to say but about what needs to be said in the moment.
I have really been thinking about this concept a lot lately and think I am leaning more toward the side of my BFF. I still think that I need to understand my motives for saying things that may cause pain or anxiety or have a negative impact but I think that sometimes it is inevitable. Sometimes the fear that causes us not to ask for what we want, communicate our own pain, or express our own love locks us in a box and keeps us from forming real, deep, and meaningful connections with the people in our lives.
I have spent a lifetime building walls that protect my heart. As I have gotten older I have start to allow people to chip down those walls a bit from the outside and I have started to chip at them from the inside. Everytime I say what I need to say in a way that leaves me vulnerable, I take down one more brick from that wall. Loving leaves us vulnerable and being vulnerable leaves us open to hurt. That is the truth and it is scary. It also requires me to trust myself more and to put trust in other people. That is the biggest fear, right? Not the fear that someone will hurt me but that I will have put my trust in the wrong person. The fear that I will have been wrong and have made a bad decision. That fear can keep me paralyzed forever.
Last night I made the decision to say what I need to say to people in my life. I shared my feelings fully with someone last night and left my heart open. It was absolutely frightening but once I did it, it was done and we talked, laughed and loved. It was nice not having the truth sitting silently yet so loudly in my head. I still am scared of the aftermath. I'm scared of what happens next. There are a couple of other conversations I need to have with people that I care deeply about because I want those friendships to thrive and I can't expect that to happen if I don't participate in the conversation.
One day at a time and facing one truth at a time.
I have really been thinking about this concept a lot lately and think I am leaning more toward the side of my BFF. I still think that I need to understand my motives for saying things that may cause pain or anxiety or have a negative impact but I think that sometimes it is inevitable. Sometimes the fear that causes us not to ask for what we want, communicate our own pain, or express our own love locks us in a box and keeps us from forming real, deep, and meaningful connections with the people in our lives.
I have spent a lifetime building walls that protect my heart. As I have gotten older I have start to allow people to chip down those walls a bit from the outside and I have started to chip at them from the inside. Everytime I say what I need to say in a way that leaves me vulnerable, I take down one more brick from that wall. Loving leaves us vulnerable and being vulnerable leaves us open to hurt. That is the truth and it is scary. It also requires me to trust myself more and to put trust in other people. That is the biggest fear, right? Not the fear that someone will hurt me but that I will have put my trust in the wrong person. The fear that I will have been wrong and have made a bad decision. That fear can keep me paralyzed forever.
Last night I made the decision to say what I need to say to people in my life. I shared my feelings fully with someone last night and left my heart open. It was absolutely frightening but once I did it, it was done and we talked, laughed and loved. It was nice not having the truth sitting silently yet so loudly in my head. I still am scared of the aftermath. I'm scared of what happens next. There are a couple of other conversations I need to have with people that I care deeply about because I want those friendships to thrive and I can't expect that to happen if I don't participate in the conversation.
One day at a time and facing one truth at a time.
Friday, August 24, 2012
My Best Friend is back....
My BFF has returned from his vacation. I know he was only gone a short time. I knew that he was coming back. I know that he and I spoke a couple of times while he was away. It doesn't matter. I missed him and I am super glad he is back in town. I feel better, safer, more supported and more loved when he is in town, even if he and I haven't talked in a few days. He is a big piece of my safety net and I feel more secure when he is around.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Dracula Opera
"Forgetting Sarah Marshall" is an underrated movie. It is on TV right now and I love it. One of my favorite scenes is Peter (Jason Segel) singing pieces of hit puppet rock opera about Dracula.
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