An unexpected community

On December 27, 2012, I joined weight watchers and started to go to meetings regularly.  In the last 9 months I have lost 78 pounds.  It has been hard work and meant big changes in my habits and the way that I approach food and exercise and life in general.  There have been ups and downs. 

I have been so amazed by the community that I have found at the weight watchers meetings.  Every Saturday morning at 8:30am, I share an hour with people that are working to change their lives.  They are aiming for increased health, mobility, energy, joy, etc.  Each person has struggled with food and with finding ways to enjoy food in healthy ways.  Finding ways to use food for nourishment rather than substitutes for love or validation.  Finding other coping mechanisms for dealing with stress, sadness, depression, anger, rejection than food.  The meetings are by no means a therapy group and we don't delve into these issues.  That said, there is something wonderful about sitting in a community of people that understand the struggles and the challenges with changing food habits.  There is something comforting about sharing anxiety, fear, celebration, and success with a community of people that are dealing with the same emotions. 

I never thought that I would enjoy or appreciate these meetings.  I never thought I would find a community that would give me strength.  And yet, that is exactly what I have found.  The weekly check-in and the support from this group of women and men, has help me make important changes.  I feel healthier and more physically vibrant because of the changes I have made.  I am proud of myself and I now that I have made lasting lifestyle changes that will help me continue to lead a healthy, productive, physically active, engaged, and full life.  The journey isn't over, but it has been pretty incredible so far. 

A good night's sleep

Last night I went to sleep at 8:30pm.  I was completely wiped out.  I was tired from the tress of work, the stress of personal relationships, and the effort of holding myself together.  I slept 11 hours last night.  I slept the deep sleep of the weary.  I vaguely remember getting a text at 1:00am and having a text conversation but I thought it was a dream.  It wasn't.  I probably shouldn't text while sleeping.  Luckily I didn't say anything ridiculous. 

It is amazing how much better a person can feel after a really good night's sleep.  I feel more alert, focused, aware, energetic, and positive than I have in days.  I have to start rebuilding a more routine sleep pattern. 

I am very, very thankful for a night of restful and deep sleep. 

Calming Manatee

Today I discovered the Calming Manatee.  The calming manatee provides comfort and solace when times are just a little bit rough.  The manatee commiserates with you.  It offers hugs.  It validates your feelings.

Thank you calming manatee!  Thank you!

Inspiration

I am inspired by Sarah, the daughter of one of my good friends.  Sarah is in 6th grade and is playing on the football team.  I am inspired by a young woman that embraces her strength and is willing to follow an unconventional path.  The teen years can be challenging, other kids can be mean, and it isn't easy to make your own choices.  I am inspired by anyone that can at any age, but particularly at a young age.

I am also deeply pleased by how the coaches treated her.  From where I was sitting they treated her as an equal member of the team.  She isn't as skilled as other members but she is paying attention, she's playing, and when she was in the game she was solid as a rock on defense.  Sarah did not let those other players get by her.

I am also deeply inspired by my Sarah's mom, TC. Her complete support of her daughter and her clear love for her is evident in everything she does.  TC doesn't realize it but she is one of the most incredible mothers. Her children never have to wonder whether their mother loves them.  They have clear boundaries and expectations.  She is their advocate, their ally, their cheerleader, their teacher, their counselor... She is perfectly imperfect and an awe-inspiring mom.

Sarah and her mother both inspire me.

Sunday Thankful Lists

Sundays are my catch-up days. They are the days when I make lists of things that need to get done. I plan for the coming week. They are days when I take stock before the chaos of the new week begins. They are also days when I try to take some time to reflect.

That said, here is my Sunday Thankful list for today, Sunday September 22.

• Friends that become your family
• game nights
• camera on my phone
• Taco Cornbread pizza
• moleskine notebooks
• dry erase calendars
• coffee
• water
• IOS 7 upgrade (I really like it so far!)
• hugs from friends when you start crying unexpectedly
• 6th grade football
• Coco, my car

Battling Sadness

I believe that sadness is part of life.  Sometimes we are sad.  Bad things happen.  Hard things happen.  Disappointment happens.  Being sad and hurt and angry are all natural emotions and come with the territory of being human.  That said, my natural inclination is to dwell in that hurt and sadness far longer than I should.  I ruminate on the mistakes I have made.  I blame myself for not predicting what would happen and for not stopping it before it made me or someone else sad.  I worry.  Over the years I have learned ways to keep the overwhelming darkness that can sometimes settle over me at bay.  I have incredible friends that care deeply about me. I have a fulfilling life and work.  I have invested time in things that matter.  All of that has helped but a few years ago, when I first started this blog, I realized the thing that was most useful to me in staying positive and in keeping my face towards the light - it was actively reminding myself of the beautiful little things in my life.  Actively taking time to feel blessed at the daily wonder in my life helped me shift my whole life.  It made a profound difference in how I felt about myself and the world.  Over the last 3 years, I have been able to make significant and important changes to my life.  These changes have been made through very small baby steps and that is what I need to remember.  I need to continue to remind myself that the big things are made up of thousands of little things.

As darkness peeks at the edges of my mind, I find myself again needing to remember the ordinary wonder and awe that is found when we live our lives.  I need to reflect on the daily heroics that come from regular and often unnoticed kindness.  This was the original purpose of this blog.  It was my attempt at being fully present in my own life and of sharing myself with anyone willing to take a moment to read the ramblings in this blog.  

So, yes, sadness and pain and anger and hurt and disappointment and frustration are part of being human.  That is true.  But what is also true is that beauty and love and laughter and joy and awe and wonder and kindness and care and compassion and empathy and hope are also part of being human.   And I believe in in hope and I believe in love and I believe in kindness.  I believe there is more good than bad in the world and  I believe there is more things to be inspired by in the world than there are things to be disappointed in.  We just need to be willing to see them and find them and share them.  It is the only way I know to battle the sadness, escape the darkness, and be fully present in the light of my own life. 

Here we go again...

Hard Day

On December 27, 2012 I walked into my first ever Weight Watchers meeting.  I was determined to make a change in my life.  I was determined to being healthier.  WW helps me be mindful of what I eat and makes me think before I mindlessly consume food.   I have a long-standing issue with food consumption.  I also joined the Upper Valley Aquatic Center.  I started waking up every morning at 5am and going to the pool.  I started eating more fruits and vegetables.  The next week I went to a meeting, and the next week, and the next week.

Now it is 10 weeks later and I feel better.  I can feel the difference everyday.  My energy level is higher.  All of the little aches and pains that were starting to creep up have gone away.  I am sleeping better.  I feel better about myself - more confident and more alive.  I have also lost 38 pounds.

I was feeling good about myself and the progress I had made.   I felt like I was learning new routines and new habits.  I felt like I was changing my lifestyle.

Today I feel like I was derailed.  Today I walked into the doctor's office and was told that I had diabetes.  My doctor is being proactive.  I am barely over line.  This is a preemptive measure designed to help me take care of myself.  I understand this.

I also understand that I am already doing the things that will keep my sugar in control and will help me manage this.  I am already exercising and eating better.  I have already reduced my alcohol intake.  I have already reduced my processed sugars and my salt.  I am already taking care of my blood pressure.

Knowing this doesn't help me feel better.  I feel deeply sad.  I feel as though I am a failure.  Today I got home and read all the material that they gave me.  I knew all the information because I have watched my stepfather deteriorate.  I know what diabetes does when it isn't managed.  I will take care of myself and keep doing what I am doing.  I will tomorrow.

But tonight...tonight I feel sad and I feel grief.  Today was a hard day.

Tomorrow is a new beginning.