On December 27, 2012 I walked into my first ever Weight Watchers meeting. I was determined to make a change in my life. I was determined to being healthier. WW helps me be mindful of what I eat and makes me think before I mindlessly consume food. I have a long-standing issue with food consumption. I also joined the Upper Valley Aquatic Center. I started waking up every morning at 5am and going to the pool. I started eating more fruits and vegetables. The next week I went to a meeting, and the next week, and the next week.
Now it is 10 weeks later and I feel better. I can feel the difference everyday. My energy level is higher. All of the little aches and pains that were starting to creep up have gone away. I am sleeping better. I feel better about myself - more confident and more alive. I have also lost 38 pounds.
I was feeling good about myself and the progress I had made. I felt like I was learning new routines and new habits. I felt like I was changing my lifestyle.
Today I feel like I was derailed. Today I walked into the doctor's office and was told that I had diabetes. My doctor is being proactive. I am barely over line. This is a preemptive measure designed to help me take care of myself. I understand this.
I also understand that I am already doing the things that will keep my sugar in control and will help me manage this. I am already exercising and eating better. I have already reduced my alcohol intake. I have already reduced my processed sugars and my salt. I am already taking care of my blood pressure.
Knowing this doesn't help me feel better. I feel deeply sad. I feel as though I am a failure. Today I got home and read all the material that they gave me. I knew all the information because I have watched my stepfather deteriorate. I know what diabetes does when it isn't managed. I will take care of myself and keep doing what I am doing. I will tomorrow.
But tonight...tonight I feel sad and I feel grief. Today was a hard day.
Tomorrow is a new beginning.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Monday, October 1, 2012
Regular Days
Tonight I realized that regular days are extraordinary. There is something so absolute awesome about regular days.
Today was a regular day. There was nothing "special" about it and yet, there was so much special about it.
I laughed. Today I laughed. I laughed at a lot of things. Mostly, I laughed at lunch with one of my students and our conversation about suspending belief while watching TV. I still insist that I am not surprised by the high mortality rate on Grey's Anatomy - those surgeons are so busy talking to each other and looking deeply in each other's eyes that they are not paying attention to where they are cutting.
I made mistakes. Today I made a joke in a meeting that ended up being at the expense of a dear friend and colleague. It wasn't intentional but it upset him and it violated my own expectations around behavior.
I apologized. Today I admitted I was wrong and I apologized to my friend. Not only that but I apologized to everyone at the meeting for role modeling behavior that did not meet my standards.
I napped. Sat on the couch and fell asleep for an unexpected nap after work.
I worked. Today I was productive and got things done.
I reflected. I took time today to think about my day, my life and my feelings. I paused long enough to think. I don't always give myself permission to do that.
I learned. That reflection helped me learn something about myself, my work and the people around me.
I loved. I took care of those around me.
I thanked. Today I thanked someone in my life that has made a significant impact on who I am today. A person that has given me the courage to stand up and to do all of the things I wrote about.
Today was an extraordinarily regular day.
Today was a regular day. There was nothing "special" about it and yet, there was so much special about it.
I laughed. Today I laughed. I laughed at a lot of things. Mostly, I laughed at lunch with one of my students and our conversation about suspending belief while watching TV. I still insist that I am not surprised by the high mortality rate on Grey's Anatomy - those surgeons are so busy talking to each other and looking deeply in each other's eyes that they are not paying attention to where they are cutting.
I made mistakes. Today I made a joke in a meeting that ended up being at the expense of a dear friend and colleague. It wasn't intentional but it upset him and it violated my own expectations around behavior.
I apologized. Today I admitted I was wrong and I apologized to my friend. Not only that but I apologized to everyone at the meeting for role modeling behavior that did not meet my standards.
I napped. Sat on the couch and fell asleep for an unexpected nap after work.
I worked. Today I was productive and got things done.
I reflected. I took time today to think about my day, my life and my feelings. I paused long enough to think. I don't always give myself permission to do that.
I learned. That reflection helped me learn something about myself, my work and the people around me.
I loved. I took care of those around me.
I thanked. Today I thanked someone in my life that has made a significant impact on who I am today. A person that has given me the courage to stand up and to do all of the things I wrote about.
Today was an extraordinarily regular day.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Letting go...
Letting go is not easy for me. When I invest time, energy and passion into something it is painful for me to let it go. It is hard for me to admit that I don't have time for it. It is hard to say that it (or he/she) doesn't belong in my life anymore. This week was a practice in letting go and accepting.
This week I had to let go of a program that I helped develop, design and nursed into reality. I invested blood, sweat and tears into this program - literally. I almost caused an irreparable rift between me and my BFF because of this program. Over the course of this year I had to cede direction of the program to a colleague. This week the program started and I was part of it but I wasn't. I was an onlooker. It hurt so bad and I want to kick and scream and cry. Yet, at the same time...I am so proud of the program. I want it to thrive regardless of who is directing. The program should not be dependent on a person. I had to practice letting it go and being in a different place with it. I still feel it but I get it,
Sometimes things no longer fit in our lives. There is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes things and people grow together and sometimes they grow apart. I am perfectly capable of throwing away a shirt that doesn't fit anymore or to get rid of possessions but admitting that people, programs or ideas no longer fit, is much harder. Letting go of these things also means letting go of who I was when they were in my life. It means being fully honest with myself and admit that perhaps it isn't those people or things that have changed but instead it is me that has changed.
This week I had to let go of a program that I helped develop, design and nursed into reality. I invested blood, sweat and tears into this program - literally. I almost caused an irreparable rift between me and my BFF because of this program. Over the course of this year I had to cede direction of the program to a colleague. This week the program started and I was part of it but I wasn't. I was an onlooker. It hurt so bad and I want to kick and scream and cry. Yet, at the same time...I am so proud of the program. I want it to thrive regardless of who is directing. The program should not be dependent on a person. I had to practice letting it go and being in a different place with it. I still feel it but I get it,
Sometimes things no longer fit in our lives. There is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes things and people grow together and sometimes they grow apart. I am perfectly capable of throwing away a shirt that doesn't fit anymore or to get rid of possessions but admitting that people, programs or ideas no longer fit, is much harder. Letting go of these things also means letting go of who I was when they were in my life. It means being fully honest with myself and admit that perhaps it isn't those people or things that have changed but instead it is me that has changed.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Quote of the Week: Life is Resilient
"There's no such thing as ruining your life. Life is a pretty resilient thing, as it turns out."
- Sophie Kinsella
Resolutions
In January I made two resolutions for 2012: (1) Be Thankful and (2) Be Healthy. The first one was easy. I work in it weekly and take time regularly to be thankful for the amazing things in my life. Being Healthy has proven to be more challenging. I was talking about health in a holistic way. I was talking about my financial, emotional, spiritual and physical health. I've made some progress.
Financially I am in the best place I have ever been. I have an actual savings account and am working on saving a comfortable cushion and enough to put a good chunk of change down on a new car. I'm still working on budgeting and making sure that I don't spend all my money in the first two weeks of the month leaving me struggling in the last two weeks. This is a learning process and I was never taught how to manage money, so now that I'm 33, I am finally getting the hang of it.
Emotionally & Spiritually - eh, well, I'm working on it. I think that writing in the blog again is part of the process to keep myself connected to my emotional and spiritual health. I am throwing myself back into SLTP which is always a place the feeds my emotional, spiritual and intellectual side. I am taking time for myself. I am allowing myself to have the full range of emotions. I am working on communicating and being more fearless. I am taking time to unplug from technology to sit outside, to breath and to be mindful. These are all baby steps and I don't do them consistently. All of these changes are about trying to build healthier habits.
Physically I am making slow progress. I am exercising more regularly. I renewed my membership at the aquatic center and have been swimming and taking water aerobics. I also joined Weight Watchers. I think that WW is really helpful for me in being thoughtful about what I am eating and when. It gives me a picture and forces me to think about the choices I am making. Food has always served as a comfort to me, so I eat when I'm sad, when I'm angry, etc. And I don't eat a little when I feel this way, I eat too much. That isn't a healthy relationship with food. So WW is helping me think about my food choices and to start making other decisions when I want to eat emotionally. So, I have been making a concert effort for 4 weeks. I notice that I feel different physically and that is important. The scale reads that I have lost weight and the body measurements show that I have as well, but honestly, that isn't really the point. I want to feel good.
So, it has taken 8 months but I have made progress on all of my resolutions. That makes me proud.
Financially I am in the best place I have ever been. I have an actual savings account and am working on saving a comfortable cushion and enough to put a good chunk of change down on a new car. I'm still working on budgeting and making sure that I don't spend all my money in the first two weeks of the month leaving me struggling in the last two weeks. This is a learning process and I was never taught how to manage money, so now that I'm 33, I am finally getting the hang of it.
Emotionally & Spiritually - eh, well, I'm working on it. I think that writing in the blog again is part of the process to keep myself connected to my emotional and spiritual health. I am throwing myself back into SLTP which is always a place the feeds my emotional, spiritual and intellectual side. I am taking time for myself. I am allowing myself to have the full range of emotions. I am working on communicating and being more fearless. I am taking time to unplug from technology to sit outside, to breath and to be mindful. These are all baby steps and I don't do them consistently. All of these changes are about trying to build healthier habits.
Physically I am making slow progress. I am exercising more regularly. I renewed my membership at the aquatic center and have been swimming and taking water aerobics. I also joined Weight Watchers. I think that WW is really helpful for me in being thoughtful about what I am eating and when. It gives me a picture and forces me to think about the choices I am making. Food has always served as a comfort to me, so I eat when I'm sad, when I'm angry, etc. And I don't eat a little when I feel this way, I eat too much. That isn't a healthy relationship with food. So WW is helping me think about my food choices and to start making other decisions when I want to eat emotionally. So, I have been making a concert effort for 4 weeks. I notice that I feel different physically and that is important. The scale reads that I have lost weight and the body measurements show that I have as well, but honestly, that isn't really the point. I want to feel good.
So, it has taken 8 months but I have made progress on all of my resolutions. That makes me proud.
Say what you need to say...
My BFF and I have had a long-term argument about John Mayer's song Say. The question has always been do you "say what you need to say" when it might hurt someone else. Or if it is coming from a place of anger or hurt. I tend to err on the side of silence around saying what needs to be said. I worry about my motives and my impact. My BFF is more direct and clear about what he needs to say. He declares that it isn't about saying what you want to say but about what needs to be said in the moment.
I have really been thinking about this concept a lot lately and think I am leaning more toward the side of my BFF. I still think that I need to understand my motives for saying things that may cause pain or anxiety or have a negative impact but I think that sometimes it is inevitable. Sometimes the fear that causes us not to ask for what we want, communicate our own pain, or express our own love locks us in a box and keeps us from forming real, deep, and meaningful connections with the people in our lives.
I have spent a lifetime building walls that protect my heart. As I have gotten older I have start to allow people to chip down those walls a bit from the outside and I have started to chip at them from the inside. Everytime I say what I need to say in a way that leaves me vulnerable, I take down one more brick from that wall. Loving leaves us vulnerable and being vulnerable leaves us open to hurt. That is the truth and it is scary. It also requires me to trust myself more and to put trust in other people. That is the biggest fear, right? Not the fear that someone will hurt me but that I will have put my trust in the wrong person. The fear that I will have been wrong and have made a bad decision. That fear can keep me paralyzed forever.
Last night I made the decision to say what I need to say to people in my life. I shared my feelings fully with someone last night and left my heart open. It was absolutely frightening but once I did it, it was done and we talked, laughed and loved. It was nice not having the truth sitting silently yet so loudly in my head. I still am scared of the aftermath. I'm scared of what happens next. There are a couple of other conversations I need to have with people that I care deeply about because I want those friendships to thrive and I can't expect that to happen if I don't participate in the conversation.
One day at a time and facing one truth at a time.
I have really been thinking about this concept a lot lately and think I am leaning more toward the side of my BFF. I still think that I need to understand my motives for saying things that may cause pain or anxiety or have a negative impact but I think that sometimes it is inevitable. Sometimes the fear that causes us not to ask for what we want, communicate our own pain, or express our own love locks us in a box and keeps us from forming real, deep, and meaningful connections with the people in our lives.
I have spent a lifetime building walls that protect my heart. As I have gotten older I have start to allow people to chip down those walls a bit from the outside and I have started to chip at them from the inside. Everytime I say what I need to say in a way that leaves me vulnerable, I take down one more brick from that wall. Loving leaves us vulnerable and being vulnerable leaves us open to hurt. That is the truth and it is scary. It also requires me to trust myself more and to put trust in other people. That is the biggest fear, right? Not the fear that someone will hurt me but that I will have put my trust in the wrong person. The fear that I will have been wrong and have made a bad decision. That fear can keep me paralyzed forever.
Last night I made the decision to say what I need to say to people in my life. I shared my feelings fully with someone last night and left my heart open. It was absolutely frightening but once I did it, it was done and we talked, laughed and loved. It was nice not having the truth sitting silently yet so loudly in my head. I still am scared of the aftermath. I'm scared of what happens next. There are a couple of other conversations I need to have with people that I care deeply about because I want those friendships to thrive and I can't expect that to happen if I don't participate in the conversation.
One day at a time and facing one truth at a time.
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