LiBloWriMo = FAIL

Wow, so my goal to write everyday in November was a total bust.  In all honestly, it has been a challenging month in general.  I've been wallowing in my own head and full of doubt, sadness, concern, loneliness, confusion, etc.

Sounds like a blast, doesn't it?  I think the amazing author at hyperbole and a half describes the feeling perfectly in her most recent post.

I did do some productive things this month that needed to be done.

1. I made an appointment with a doctor and had a physical exam.  This may seem routine but I really DISLIKE going to doctors.  I have had a slew of unpleasant and borderline hateful experiences in the doctor's office.  So, what do I do?  I avoid, avoid, avoid.  Not a good idea.  I do not suggest it.  I finally went to the doctor and I had a great experience.  I think it was such a great experience because I had an appointment with a nurse practitioner rather than a doctor.  They are generally so much more humane in their treatment of people.  I set up some goals with the doctor and have another 
2. I went to the dentist.  I actually like going to the dentist.  I mean, I don't enjoy getting my teeth cleaned but I like having clean teeth afterwards.  I have just gotten really bad about attending to my dental needs in the last few years.   
3. I took care of some other miscellaneous things.   I can't remember what they were but I remember feeling productive and like I accomplished something. 

November was a fleeting month.  I spent most of it either sad or angry.  I'm digging out of it.  The first step was going back to karaoke.  That sounds insane, doesn't it?  It is true.  Karaoke makes me feel good and it takes my mind off of work and other things.  It is a purely selfish act.  I do it because I love it.  It had lost some of its glitter since JH left but I think it was associated with so many people that I truly loved leaving.

I made some health decisions.  Watching my stepfather get sick over and over again is a reality check for me.  I know that I can't keep illness at bay but I can take better care of myself.  Thus the above mentioned doctor's appointments.  Baby steps on this front.  I'm trying to develop habits and not quick fixes.  I have been down this road before and when I try to change too much at one time I end up beating myself up and feeling like a failure.  I need to hold my perfectionist tendencies at bay on this one.  So far (1) no eating after 9pm; (2) Limited soda consumption; and (3) drinking more water. Those are going really well so far.  Next on the list (1) more fruits & veggies; (2) protein at every meal; and (3) reduce refined carbs.

I made some life decisions.  Choice is an important thing. 

November...working on ending the month on a high note.

Uh - sorry

Wow, I have been incredibly bad at updating this blog lately.  I know I promised NH (formerly NM) that I would update regularly again.  The truth is though that the blog is rarely far from my mind and I often think things like....oh, I should write about this in the blog.  Not sure why the translation from thought to action hasn't been happening.  Interesting questions to ponder.  :)

So to those that seem to be checking back regularly.  I apologize and will do better.  :)

Joy is not so serious

I have been taking myself and my joy way to seriously. I have been waiting for something meaningful to post and have forgotten that the pure expression of joy in the mundane, the ridiculous, the irreverent, the fantastic, the awesome, the amusing, the strange, the absurd, the profound, the deep, the challenging, the everyday....is the purpose itself.

So here's to remembering to take my quest to take myself less seriously, more seriously. :)

Things that brought me joy today:

• Velcro
• students having the courage to engage in conversation and make themselves vulnerable
• strengthsquest
• my scarf
• mountain dew

Starting fresh...

The thing that I didn't anticipate in writing this blog is that I was inviting people into my life in a very real way.  I haven't been writing much lately.  Have I been busy? Sure.  I haven't been busy enough that I can't write.

I've been struggling.  I have been having an epic battle between my brain and my heart.  I don't know how to clearly explain what that means.  All I can say is that I sometimes feel things deeply.  I know them in my core but I can't explain why I feel the way that I do. Often, these feelings are in contrast to what my head tells me is the best course of action.  Or in conflict with what my head says is the "rational" thing to do.  It is the moment when the thing that my brain or people around me are telling me is the best course of action is the very thing that makes me feel bad or sick to stomach or just a little bit not right.  It isn't easy to listen to my heart over my brain.  Or to find the balance between brain and heart.

Sometimes I momentarily misplace my internal compass and I am left struggling to find my way back to myself.  Sometimes these life detours are brief.  Like this one.  They last for a few days or a couple of weeks.  Sometimes they are longer - a month or two or more.  Longer ones can often be dark times for me.  All this to say that usually when it happens, people may notice that my demeanor has changed slightly or I don't laugh quite as quickly but I am able to fake it pretty well (except from Dr. J or my BFF who can see right through any facade).  Well with this blog, people have noticed that I haven't been writing as much and that has led them to be concerned and ask me if I am okay, etc.

This realization that people are "following" me and are involved in my life in any way remotely is strange.  I write the blog for myself but sharing myself in public is not something I do.  I think most people would describe me as outgoing, bubbly, etc... I can certainly be gregarious and loud and boisterous... Yet, it is work for me.  I love a good laugh.  I can engage as needed.  I wouldn't label myself an extrovert though.  Sharing myself is hard work.  Social settings can be draining for me, especially if I'm not hiding behind a mask.  So the public nature of this blog, the fact that people know when I am and am not posting is daunting.  It is an important step for me.

Dr. J recently wrote a "wednesday visit" about asking for help.  This is a skill that has always been a challenge for me.  It starts with being able to share yourself in even the smallest ways with those around you.  It starts with being genuine in our interactions.  So this blog for me is part of the process of me sharing myself with the world and most importantly sharing myself with myself.  That sounds crazy but when I stop fooling myself then I am able to connect with the world more fully. 

So, to anyone that is reading this that has asked me how I am...I have been struggling but I can see things clearer again.  I have found the arrow on my heart-compass and it is pointing due north again.  Every day is a fresh start and another chance to live better than the day before.

Thank you to my dear friends.  Thank you to all that have asked how I am doing and waited long enough to hear the real answer.  Thank you BFF.  

I am lucky indeed.

If at first you stall...refocus on others

I have hit my stalling point.  This is the point in any endeavor I undertake where I (1) get bored; (2) get scared/anxious; (3) freak out; or (4) get "busy".  I have also been known to get any number of those in combination.  When this happens, I stall... I am hitting this point with the blog.

So I have run through the categories.  First, am I bored? The answer is no.  I actually really enjoy writing the blog.  I like going back and reading some of my other posts.  I am enjoying it and not bored.  Okay, one eliminated - unfortunately it was the easiest of the four to admit to and to get deal with.

Second, am I "too" busy?  Well, sure I am certainly busy at work..but...the answer to this one is also no. I can find a couple of minutes every day to write something.  Dangnabit...the second easiest one is eliminated.

Am I scared/anxious? Am I freaked out? Well, the answer to this question is YES! Like I said in a previous post - i have issues like tissues.  LOL

So, while I figure that out...I am refocusing my joy away from myself and on the people around me.  I have some incredible people in my life that are doing amazing things.  I am very proud of them.  I am proud to call them friend. 

Pondering...

I haven't posted since Monday night, not because of a lack of joy in my life or even because of a lack of time...I haven't posted because I have been questioning myself.  This is not a new thing for me.

I have been wondering if this blog is a form of dishonesty in my life.  Isn't that ridiculous?  Everything I have posted has been true but I keep wondering am I "looking to hard for joy in my life".  It is one of those moments of me getting in my own way.  Actively seeking joy and happiness has really helped me feel better.  I need to be okay with celebrating the joy because it doesn't mean that I am ignoring the unhappy moments or in a stage of denial but rather it is keeping me from dwelling on those negative moments.

Sometimes I need to just remind myself to get out of my own way...I deserve to have happiness and laughter and joy.  Life includes all the ugly bits but there are so many really beautiful pieces too.

Posting dilemma

On my mind has been how do I go about posting on this blog....

Do I post once day and give multiple joyful moments in that post?  Do I post whenever the spirit of joy moves me?  Do I hold onto snippets of joy for those days when I feel like joy has betrayed me? 

All these questions swirl through my head and keep me from posting because I can't figure out if I am doing it right...Isn't that lame? 

And who cares, does it matter?  This blog is supposed to be about me reconnecting with things that make me happy...it is not supposed to be an additional stressor. 

If you have opinions about it, i'd love to hear them..but for now I will try to stick with posting when the spirit moves me.