Early morning stillness

Last night it started to snow.  Unlike lots of places in the country, we haven't gotten that much snow this winter...at least not yet.  We are supposed to get 5-10 inches over the course of the day, so I'll have some shoveling to do later. 

There is special quiet that happens in the early morning when the newly fallen snow is on the ground.  The snow acts almost like soundproofing.  Everything is just a bit softer and a bit stiller.  This morning when I took Sally out for her morning constitutional I was struck by the pre-dawn light and the incredible stillness. 

There is something so beautiful about that moment before the entire world comes alive; before that moment when it feels like you are the only person awake in the whole world. I love the morning for that reason.  It feels like a fresh start and a new beginning.  It feels like I can take a breath and actually pause before the go,go,go of the day begins. 

My first gray hair

I found my first gray hair.  I'm 34, it seems like the right age to acquire one's first gray hair.

I was surprised by my reaction to this single strand of white.  I have always been a person that has wanted to grow old naturally.  I don't want to dye my hair or alter the process in any way.  I want laugh lines. I am pretty low maintenance when it comes to all things beauty.  My mom is a serious hair-dyer.  She does it often and frequently.  She tried multiple times to get me to dye my hair.  One day I let her but it didn't stick.  My hair had to be in direct sunlight at just the right angle for you to even tell that my hair was the slightest tint of red.  It just isn't my thing.  I have sometimes secretly wanted it to be my thing...I wanted to care more about it.  I've purchased all the products.  I have entire drawers full of make-up and hair product.  I've just never figured out how to make it work and every time I do my make-up in any shade other than "barely there" colors, I look in the mirror and feel like I'm looking into someone else's face.  So, I'm a wash my face, brush my hair, low fuss girl.  Just who I am.

And then I saw the gray hair.   I will admit that I had a bit of freak-out moment.  Years of hearing the evils of gray hair and aging came crashing over me.  It was a remarkable thing.  I stood there in my bathroom staring at this single gray hair.  I almost pulled it out and then a saying that I heard countless times growing up came to me.  "If you pull it out, seven more friends will come to visit".  What?!! As though me pulling out my gray hair would cause more to grow out of spite and revenge.  The gray hairs would gather together and avenge the death of their friend.  I laughed at myself...but I didn't pull the hair out of my head. 

Why would I want to pull it out anyway?

That's the real question, isn't it?  What is so wrong with having a gray hair?  Why did it freak me out?  Why can't I, as a woman, be excited to be aging?  Why can't I be described as distinguished as I age? Why should I feel like I need to remain forever young?  I studied sociology and worked for a long time to figure out how to respond to the societal pressure to be thin and balance that with how I felt, my own sense of self, and my own feelings of health.  I understand how the culture and society I live in influences my feelings about beauty and aging.

There has been a lot of news lately about beauty and photoshopping and the unrealistic and unfair standards of beauty.  I saw an article by the The Telegraph recently where they were discussing Diane Keaton at the Golden Globes and then the L'oreal commercial where she was smoothed and photoshopped.  I truly think she looks better at the Golden Globes.  She looks alive and real and naturally beautiful.   There have been stories about the Aerie american eagle brand that is no longer going to allow photoshopping.  Their move has been considered revolutionary.  It makes me sad that showing young women as really beautiful people just as they are is revolutionary but it is.  I know that the comments on those ads will say that those women are fat or they will analyze every ripple and every curve.  We commit unspeakable damage through the ways that we treat one another, the ways that we rip one another apart.  I know this.  I see it clearly.  I have worked to empower myself and those around me to see themselves as more than failures because we can't live up to standards of beauty that aren't real or attainable. 

That said, I was surprised at the vehemence of my repulsion to that gray hair but I refuse to surrender to it.  I have made friends with my gray hair.  I reserve the right to dye my hair at some point.  I celebrate women that choose to express themselves and their beauty however they want.  The point, isn't that we shouldn't use make-up or dye our hair or lose weight or wear high heels or whatever it is.  The point is that we shouldn't feel like we HAVE TO in order to be beautiful because we already are and it is our flaws, imperfections, quirks that serve as our ultimate beauty marks.

We are a term my friend Meg was taught by one of her students - We are FLAWSOME!

Last Saturday in September

It was a beautiful fall day. The weather was perfect during the day. The leaves are starting to change and the colors are spectacular. First home football game of the season. Outdoor concert with great attendance by students and incredible work by colleagues.

StoryPeople

I discovered StoryPeople from my BFF and I have fallen in love with each creation.  Each print that Brian Andreas creates speaks to the everyday truth, wonder, joy, and beauty of our lives.  I signed up for the daily story and this was today's print.  I laughed out loud at how much the print spoke to my life and my behavior - especially lately. 

Battling Sadness

I believe that sadness is part of life.  Sometimes we are sad.  Bad things happen.  Hard things happen.  Disappointment happens.  Being sad and hurt and angry are all natural emotions and come with the territory of being human.  That said, my natural inclination is to dwell in that hurt and sadness far longer than I should.  I ruminate on the mistakes I have made.  I blame myself for not predicting what would happen and for not stopping it before it made me or someone else sad.  I worry.  Over the years I have learned ways to keep the overwhelming darkness that can sometimes settle over me at bay.  I have incredible friends that care deeply about me. I have a fulfilling life and work.  I have invested time in things that matter.  All of that has helped but a few years ago, when I first started this blog, I realized the thing that was most useful to me in staying positive and in keeping my face towards the light - it was actively reminding myself of the beautiful little things in my life.  Actively taking time to feel blessed at the daily wonder in my life helped me shift my whole life.  It made a profound difference in how I felt about myself and the world.  Over the last 3 years, I have been able to make significant and important changes to my life.  These changes have been made through very small baby steps and that is what I need to remember.  I need to continue to remind myself that the big things are made up of thousands of little things.

As darkness peeks at the edges of my mind, I find myself again needing to remember the ordinary wonder and awe that is found when we live our lives.  I need to reflect on the daily heroics that come from regular and often unnoticed kindness.  This was the original purpose of this blog.  It was my attempt at being fully present in my own life and of sharing myself with anyone willing to take a moment to read the ramblings in this blog.  

So, yes, sadness and pain and anger and hurt and disappointment and frustration are part of being human.  That is true.  But what is also true is that beauty and love and laughter and joy and awe and wonder and kindness and care and compassion and empathy and hope are also part of being human.   And I believe in in hope and I believe in love and I believe in kindness.  I believe there is more good than bad in the world and  I believe there is more things to be inspired by in the world than there are things to be disappointed in.  We just need to be willing to see them and find them and share them.  It is the only way I know to battle the sadness, escape the darkness, and be fully present in the light of my own life. 

Here we go again...

Regular Days

Tonight I realized that regular days are extraordinary.  There is something so absolute awesome about regular days.

Today was a regular day.  There was nothing "special" about it and yet, there was so much special about it. 

I laughed.  Today I laughed.  I laughed at a lot of things.  Mostly, I laughed at lunch with one of my students and our conversation about suspending belief while watching TV.  I still insist that I am not surprised by the high mortality rate on Grey's Anatomy - those surgeons are so busy talking to each other and looking deeply in each other's eyes that they are not paying attention to where they are cutting. 

I made mistakes.  Today I made a joke in a meeting that ended up being at the expense of a dear friend and colleague.  It wasn't intentional but it upset him and it violated my own expectations around behavior.

I apologized.  Today I admitted I was wrong and I apologized to my friend.  Not only that but I apologized to everyone at the meeting for role modeling behavior that did not meet my standards. 

I napped.  Sat on the couch and fell asleep for an unexpected nap after work. 

I worked.  Today I was productive and got things done. 

I reflected.  I took time today to think about my day, my life and my feelings.  I paused long enough to think.  I don't always give myself permission to do that.

I learned.  That reflection helped me learn something about myself, my work and the people around me.

I loved.  I took care of those around me. 

I thanked.  Today I thanked someone in my life that has made a significant impact on who I am today.  A person that has given me the courage to stand up and to do all of the things I wrote about.

Today was an extraordinarily regular day.

Jacked-up Straw & Iron Man's House

Today I had lunch with one of the great student's that I get to wok with.  We were sitting in the restaurant enjoying each others' company.  The waiter delivered our beverages.  He order a water.  I ordered a water and a lemonade.  Molly's, the restaurant we were at, has wonderful bendy straws.   I opened my straws and noticed something strange.  My straw was jacked up.  The straw-making machine did not do its job and did not trim the end properly.  While the straw didn't allow for drinking, it did create laughter.

 

 

 

 

Jacked-up Straw

Right now I am watching Iron Man on television.  I want his house.  I want it now.  I want to live in this amazing house perched on the edge of a cliff with endless windows that look out on the ocean and other beautiful things.   Curved walls, big fireplace, endless windows...just what I want. 

lazy day movies

Today was kind of a lazy day - mostly because it is freezing cold outside.  There were some great movies on today.


Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium is one of my fave movies. I love it.  It is all about believing in yourself and the magic of imagination.  The quote of the day is from this movie.  Mr. Magorium tells Molly Mahoney: "Your life is an occasion. Rise to it."

I love that idea.  It is something I need to remember all the time.  This is my life and I need to always treat it as some special and I need to believe in myself. It reminds me of the quote from the movie The Holiday that goes, "You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life." I love the movie and that quote.   


The other movie I watched today is 500 Days of Summer.  I really enjoy this movie.  It is all about love, fate and the things that we can convince ourselves when we want love and companionship.

I especially enjoy the scene after Joseph Gordon-Levitt's first night with Summer (Zooey Deschanel).  She made his dreams come true....ooh...ooh.  Who hasn't walked around on cloud 9 the day after a great date or a good night. 

2012

Can you believe it is 2012?

I can't.  10 years ago I had just moved back to New York City.  In fact, I moved back on New Year's Eve.  For some reason I was obsessed with starting the new year in New York.  I moved in with DN and as the clock struck midnight, he and I were on a subway trying to get to Brooklyn for what was quite possibly one of the most boring parties I have ever been to.  Ah well...memories...

We are two weeks into the new year and it has already been a roller coaster ride.  Lots of emotions.

My two promises to myself this year:

1. Be Thankful - I want to count my blessings more than I dwell on pain, sadness or other negative emotions. 
2. Be Healthy - I don't really mean this in exercise and eat well state, although that is certainly part of it.  I mean financially, emotionally, mentally.  I believe that if I can do more things that make my soul, mind and pocketbook healthy - then it will be easier to do things that make my heart and body healthier.  

Raise a glass to what is bound to be an incredible 2012.

Pumpkin Carving Talent

Not mine.  I am actually kind of terrified to carve a pumpkin.  I feel pretty certain that I would chop my fingers off.  For that reason I really appreciate other talented people.  I particularly appreciate when students honor a place that is near and dear to my heart like the Collis Center.  I think these pumpkins are awesome! :)

This is Halloween!!

Today was Halloween. I didn't dress up. I didn't trick or treat. I did eat some delicious sugar cookies in the shape of pumpkins, bats and cats that a colleague baked and brought into the office. Yum - those were delicious.

Mostly, I had the song "This is Halloweeen" from Nightmare Before Christmas playing on repeat in my head.  I really wanted to watch the movie tonight but I don't own it and no one was showing it on television.  The question remains, is it a Christmas movie or a Halloween movie?  The fact that Tim Burton was the director lends itself toward being a halloween movie, but there are a tremendous number of Christmas references.  I like the idea of it as a Christmas movie because it isn't quite as sticky sweet as so many other holiday movies.  Regardless...this is HALLOWEEN!!!



That said, there is this crazy person somewhere in the US that does these elaborate light displays for Halloween.  (see below).  It is pretty insane.  I can't imagine being their neighbor.  I also can't imagine what the electric bill is or how much time it takes to program such an insane display.  Regardless or what I can and cannot imagine - I love this video.  I think it is super awesome and fun and it makes me smile.  Thank you person (or people) with a house and lights and the ability to program lights to sound.



THIS IS HALLOWEEN!!!!

Moving

I have moved out of my apartment.  Moving takes a long time.  It is exhausting.  It is tedious.  It made my body feel sore.  It never seems to end....

That said...Here are some of the things I have really enjoyed about the moving process.

1. The opportunity to sort and purge.  I was able to go through all my old documents and pictures and boxes and all kinds of stuff.  I got to throw things away that needed to get thrown out.  I also got the chance to reflect and think about the last few years.  It is amazing how much stuff can accumulate in the secret corners of your apartment.  
2. Good people that help you move! I am lucky enough to call some young recent alums friend and They help me move.  Their energy and good humor remind me that I am 10 years older than them.  haha.  I am so very thankful for the help of AV, MA, AB, CN & GC.   JC brought me home after I dropped off the Uhaul.  BFF started and ended the day.  He took me to pick up the uhaul and he came to help me finish the final cleaning push as I was running out of steam.  
3. Anticipation.  The anticipation and excitement of a new place to live is very exciting.  Figuring out how everything will fit and what it will look like is exciting.  

I'm in a temporary holding pattern for the moment until my apartment is ready. I'm looking forward to having people over for a dinner or game night. 

Celebrity Sightings

My friend NH and her husband are having a debate about whether some man sitting across from them is Morgan Freeman or not. It is remarkably easy to believe you see someone that is not that someone.  I recently had a similar issue.

I was in Ogunquit with the BFF.  We were upstairs at the piano bar at The Front Porch and I swore that Richard Gere was sitting at the table next to us.  I tell BFF this and he humors me as all good BFFs should but he does not believe it is Richard Gere.  Our friend BG arrives and also does not believe it is Richard Gere.  I am 95% sure it is and I declare it so.  So my BFF goes up to this man and asks him.  While he does not deny that he is Richard Gere is does not confirm it.  All he says is that he is flattered.  Now, this man has an accent.  Richard Gere is from Philadelphia.  I recognize that at this point I should admit that perhaps this man is not Gere but my brain is so addled by the celebrity sighting that his lack of direct denial turns into even greater certainty on my part that the man we are looking at is indeed the star of Pretty Woman and other such films.

BFF and I leave to go see the Chris Francis show but later find out from BG that he was indeed NOT Mr. Gere.  He was Charles Shaughnessy, the man that played Mr. Sheffield on The Nanny with Fran Drescher.  Well, that explains the accent.

Still counts as a celebrity sighting and someday when I hear on the television that Mr. Gere has passed, I may tell the story a bit differently.

Okay, so on side by side examination I can see that they don't look exactly alike but I think there are some similarities and I think I can be forgiven for believing that Mr. Sheffield was Richard Gere.

Celebration of Friday

Today is Friday. Thank goodness. I'm tired. I'm a bit cranky. I am glad that it is Friday!

Enjoy my Friday video round-up.

Rebecca Black's New Classic - Friday



Glee covers Rebecca Black's Friday (sad that the video isn't available on youtube)



The original Friday the 13th trailer (watch at your own risk!!!!)



Friday trailer featuring Ice Cube

Beef!

Um....so I love beef jerky.  I don't know why.  I just do.  Salty, beefy, yumminess. 

I will admit that there is something that feels wrong about liking it so much and yet I can't seem to stop.  I  do tell myself that as far as snacks go, there are worse.  Lots of protein, low carbs.  Sure there is plenty of sodium but ultimately not awful - at least not awful by my standards.  I do wonder why I feel like I can eat beef jerky without any concern but the thought of eating dog food or dog snacks makes me sick to my stomach.  I mean, what is the difference between beef jerky and a doggy snausage.  No ideas. 

That just made me think of the snausages commercial...



Which made me think of the "bacon" commercial



And this of course made me think of "Where's the Beef"

Medium French Vanilla Ice Coffee - Light & Sweet

From Dunkin Donuts.  Love them!

Today I had my first iced coffee of 2011.  It is funny how things like that can bring back all kinds of memories.   Whenever I drink a Dunkins iced coffee I think about high school and my dear friend LB (although, I guess she is LM now).  We would spend hours and hours in the Dunkin Donuts near my house.  It was open 24 hours and we would hang out there at night and play cards.  Don't judge...lol.  We weren't wild and crazy kids.  Drinking caffeine at 11pm was our big adventure.  LM would smoke a cigarette but freak out and put them out whenever she saw someone that we knew.  Man, we were young.  We used to have such a great time.

Today's trip down memory lane brought to you by Dunkin Donuts. :)

The Walk

I have grown to like the walk from my BFF's place back to my house.  It gives me time to think.  Sometimes you need a little time to think.  It is amazing.  In the 15 minutes it takes me to walk from one place to another I can change moods so dramatically.  I can really get a chance to go inside my own head and get really worked up about something.  Or I get a chance to calm myself down about something.  Either way, lots of quality emotional time.

Tonight I walked home and it was a beautiful night.  I was feeling a bit melancholy.  In that 15 minutes, I managed to get out of my own head and enjoy the breeze and the fresh air.  I enjoyed my ability to move and walk.  I enjoyed the fact that I wasn't breathing heavy.  I enjoyed that I was thinking about all those things.

It is a good walk.

Ask me again when it is raining or freezing.  :)

My weekend

I potentially had the laziest weekend I have ever had this weekend.  I got back to my apartment late on Friday (working) and have not left it yet.  I will be leaving it shortly to go back to work.  I slept ALL day on Saturday and most of the day yesterday.  I didn't speak to another human being until Sunday around 5:30pm, when I called a friend because her facebook status was concerning.  I watched episodes of the Cosby Show and Ally McBeal. It isn't something I could do all the time, but it was certainly worth it.



This song was my weekend anthem.  Thank you Bruno Mars for providing me with the soundtrack needed.  He has dancing monkeys, mentions both the snuggie and doing the dougie, and pulls down his pants.  LOL  The video is pretty awesome.  :)

Headlines

Today the campus newspaper published the wrong articles under the wrong headings.  The whole page is crazy.  I started reading an article about Virgina Tech being fined $55,000 and instead found myself reading an article about the CIA and a plane crash in Libya.  The VTech article was under the headline about how a stagnant economy frustrates citizens. 

It is a student-run, daily paper.  I am impressed they get it out everyday. 

It still makes me chuckle a bit. 

I know.  I'm awful. 

Coming out of the Dark

Does anyone remember that Gloria Estefan song?   I think she wrote it when she was in a car accident in her tour bus with all of the miami sound machine and she thought she would never walk again!

I'm pretty sure that is the story.

Well, I was not in a car accident.  My legs are fine.  My crew is all well.

That being said - I have to admit that I feel like I understand her song a little bit after the last month.  There has been a lot of family, friend, work, life crap happening and I have been digging deep to not fold into my mental darkness.  So I have had my head down and I've been pushing through.  I have only been able to focus on one thing at a time and focus on the immediate needs.  Quick run down of the last month - good, bad, bizarre & ugly:

1. I was in an episode of House.  Not really. My stepfather's illness over the last month has felt like that.  His kidneys are failing.  Give him emergency hema-dialysis.  STAT. He's had a minor heart attack.  We think there might be a blood clot.  He's slipping into a coma.  Doctor, we must figure this out.  Blood test. Cat scan. MRI. EKG. ECG. EGG. OMG! Spinal tap. He has bacterial meningitis.  Awake.  Alert.  Damaged.  Alive. Run credits...
2. Amazing weekend at the National Staff Conference for SLTP.  60 people that give me strength, lead by example and love fully.  AWESOME!
3. BFF finished the dissertation.  woo-hoo. 
4. Student sexually assualted.  
5. Student org attempts to fly through Japan after the earthquake and as the nuclear plant begins to melt down.  I say - uh...Wtf?  They proceed to get pissed at me for raining on their parade.  All ends well.  Students realize, perhaps Narita airport was not the best place to be.  
6. Missed 2 Thursdays of karaoke. 
7. Upside of above house episode - got to spend a good chunk of quality time with my niece.  love her. 
8. There have been a few warm days over the last month.  It gives me hope that spring is coming. 
9. I discovered "Just Dance" for Wii and I am addicted.  (I'll write a different blog post about that). 
10. Rebecca Black.  (who will also get her own post)

So yeah, the last month hasn't been all good or all bad - just challenging.  It's good to be back.  :) 

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