The thing that I didn't anticipate in writing this blog is that I was inviting people into my life in a very real way. I haven't been writing much lately. Have I been busy? Sure. I haven't been busy enough that I can't write.
I've been struggling. I have been having an epic battle between my brain and my heart. I don't know how to clearly explain what that means. All I can say is that I sometimes feel things deeply. I know them in my core but I can't explain why I feel the way that I do. Often, these feelings are in contrast to what my head tells me is the best course of action. Or in conflict with what my head says is the "rational" thing to do. It is the moment when the thing that my brain or people around me are telling me is the best course of action is the very thing that makes me feel bad or sick to stomach or just a little bit not right. It isn't easy to listen to my heart over my brain. Or to find the balance between brain and heart.
Sometimes I momentarily misplace my internal compass and I am left struggling to find my way back to myself. Sometimes these life detours are brief. Like this one. They last for a few days or a couple of weeks. Sometimes they are longer - a month or two or more. Longer ones can often be dark times for me. All this to say that usually when it happens, people may notice that my demeanor has changed slightly or I don't laugh quite as quickly but I am able to fake it pretty well (except from Dr. J or my BFF who can see right through any facade). Well with this blog, people have noticed that I haven't been writing as much and that has led them to be concerned and ask me if I am okay, etc.
This realization that people are "following" me and are involved in my life in any way remotely is strange. I write the blog for myself but sharing myself in public is not something I do. I think most people would describe me as outgoing, bubbly, etc... I can certainly be gregarious and loud and boisterous... Yet, it is work for me. I love a good laugh. I can engage as needed. I wouldn't label myself an extrovert though. Sharing myself is hard work. Social settings can be draining for me, especially if I'm not hiding behind a mask. So the public nature of this blog, the fact that people know when I am and am not posting is daunting. It is an important step for me.
Dr. J recently wrote a "wednesday visit" about asking for help. This is a skill that has always been a challenge for me. It starts with being able to share yourself in even the smallest ways with those around you. It starts with being genuine in our interactions. So this blog for me is part of the process of me sharing myself with the world and most importantly sharing myself with myself. That sounds crazy but when I stop fooling myself then I am able to connect with the world more fully.
So, to anyone that is reading this that has asked me how I am...I have been struggling but I can see things clearer again. I have found the arrow on my heart-compass and it is pointing due north again. Every day is a fresh start and another chance to live better than the day before.
Thank you to my dear friends. Thank you to all that have asked how I am doing and waited long enough to hear the real answer. Thank you BFF.
I am lucky indeed.
No comments:
Post a Comment