In one of those strange twists of life, I was asked to interview with Redbook magazine about my weight loss last year. The trainer at the Upper Valley Aquatic Center gave them my name because they were looking for someone that had lost weight by swimming or other water-based exercise. I was hesitant but I figured what the hell, right? I had worked hard to become a healthier human being. So I did the interview. I had no idea what was going to come from it. I didn't really know what the angle of the article was and after the interview I was excited but VERY nervous about it.
The article came out in the January issue and indeed my little piece was in there. A friend got the issue and showed me the article. Instead of being excited about it or celebrating it, I was mortified because they printed my starting weight. I scoured the other 9 stories looking for the weights of the other women profiled. Mine was the only number printed. I didn't want anyone to read it because I didn't want anyone to see that starting number.
A colleague stopped me after we returned to work in the New Year and told me she had seen my name in the magazine. In reflection, her voice was kind and full of nothing but positivity. She congratulated me on my weight loss and commented that she had notice but was never sure if one could comment. I smiled and nodded and thanked her but realized as I left her office that I felt exposed and vulnerable. I felt sure that she was secretly judging me.
I guess this post goes along with my post about my gray hair. I am always shocked by how deep the shame lives when it comes to my body. I am always surprised at the moments when guilt, shame, and self-loathing wash over me. I don't remember the interview but I do remember saying that being healthy for me required me to change my internal narrative. My physical health changed when my mental health changed. When I started to focus on how I wanted to feel and the things that I wanted to do.
And I'm able to do many of those things now...I can climb stairs without feeling like my heart is going to explode. I don't dread meetings across campus because of the walk - in fact, I intentionally schedule meetings in other people's offices in order to be outside. I can swim laps easily. I can take a zumba class and enjoy the movement. I can touch my toes. My blood pressure is in the normal range. My sugar level has gone down to normal range. I feel better.
I have a long history with weight and I am always worried about telling my story or discussing weight loss because I don't want young women or men to look at a number on the scale and define themselves by it. We are so much more than that. Ironically, it wasn't until I really started to believe that I was more than my weight and was a full person, that I started to lose the weight. I have made lifestyle changes that make me feel better but I don't deprive myself. I no longer binge. I'm finding other ways to deal with my emotions (anger, happiness, sadness, loneliness). I'm investing time in myself.
The weight loss is the most noticeable change to the outside world but my health is far beyond the number on the scale. Yet, that number on the scale is part of my story and not a part that should be hidden away or a part that should be shameful. It is just a part of my story. It does not define what my life has been or where my life is going and only I can give it that power.
So here is the story and the number. I still look at it and it looks like it is bolded and in a larger font but I know that isn't true. It is simply a number. I am made up of so much more than pounds on a scale. I'm torn about posting this, or having my name being associated with a "how to lose weight" article. I'm not sure how I feel about contributing to the never ending narrative that tells us that we need to be thinner to be happier and healthier. I don't believe it is as simple as that. I
know it isn't as simple as that.
One of my goals this year was practicing kindness and that starts with me. Being kind to myself means fueling my body better, moving my body more, reflecting more on my choices, and accepting the complex story that is my life. I guess, this long rambling blog posts that ends with the words from Redbook and that 3 digit number is part of that acceptance. Part of sharing who I am, where I've been, and the journey forward.
Start by forgiving yourself
"In
November 2012, I hit 421 pounds, my heaviest weight ever. I've tried
pretty much every fad diet out there: Atkins, the grapefruit diet,
pills. But my journey to better health really began when I changed my
inner monologue from one that was negative and critical and said You're not worthy to one that said, You can do this; you deserve to be healthy and happy and have love in your life.
I've had to forgive myself and be kind to myself in order to move
forward—after all, I can't change what happened yesterday, but I can
change what happens today and tomorrow. I started by signing up for
Weight Watchers and finding a pool I could use for exercise. Now the
Upper Valley Aquatic Center is my second home. The water is so relaxing,
like a cushion, and I can move without feeling hot or sweaty or
straining my joints. I love it—it feels meditative. There's no way to
shed the amount of pounds I have to lose and not be confused by the
process at times. My weight has been such a part of my identity that
losing it can feel overwhelming. Every day I have the opportunity to
make choices about my health. Before, my eating and physical habits were
thoughtless. Now, I pause and think before I decide to put something in
my body or skip a workout. I still have a ways to go, but my goal isn't
to be skinny; it's to feel better about myself, and I'm definitely on
that path." —Elizabeth Agosto, 34, Hanover, NH; lost 78 pounds and has kept it off for a year
The full article can be found
online.
Mostly I am really excited that I am able to take this vacation and that I'm able to give my mom this vacation. My mom deeply deserves a real vacation away from kids and sickness and hospitals. She would never do this for herself nor could she afford it. I'm glad that I'm in a place where I can do this for my mom. I know that TC feels the same way about her mother. 
I have to admit that I have been kind of obnoxious about the whole thing. I've been telling people at work about this vacation for almost 8 months now and making sure that everyone is aware of the fact that I plan on unplugging during this vacation. 
